Wednesday, May 9, 2012
"Ozzy's Miracle Spring Water"!
Little Ozzy is at a slight disadvantage when he plays with our Doberman "Roxie". She towers over him, and although he weighs in at a mere 15 pounds, he give everything he's got trying to "bring her down". Frustrated, he recently watched some faith healing program that promised if you purchased their "Miracle Spring Water". I didn't know he ordered the stuff until the package arrived via Fed Ex earlier today. It didn't take him long to rip open the box, read the instructions, then choke down the entire contents. It has been entertaining watching him run to the back of the house and either look into the mirror or step on the scale. So far, the water has produced no results. Now he's thinking he must have done something wrong. After careful scrutiny, Ozzy has concluded that he has been ripped off (actually, he used my credit card). I asked him what he expected to happen. I didn't know he was trying to transform into a Pit-Bull. Perhaps if he clicked his heels twice, something might happen. I just hope he doesn't order a pair of ruby slippers on Ebay!
Monday, May 7, 2012
"The Abyss"!
One of the most fascinating pieces of literature in history is the Book of Revelation found in the Bible. The ninth chapter begins with an angel sounding off with one of the seven trumpet judgements, the fifth to be exact. At this point a star falls from heaven to the earth. This is actually an angelic being who bears a key to the Abyss, which he proceeds to open, thus unleashing a horde of hideous beings. For years I have tried to imagine this event, and couldn't come close, until earlier this evening. My son Jake dropped a plate of barbeque onto the floor. Suddenly our livingroom transformed into the bottomless pit, as it released the angriest scramble of snarling fur I've ever seen. My little canine gang lost all composure, each one violently trying to choke down more pork faster than the next... and although there are only five dogs, it seemed there was least ten. That plate of barbeque disappeared in a feeding frenzy that would have impressed any predator. Then, as suddenly as it started, the "hounds from hell" became as tame as kittens. I never thought I'd get a lesson in theology from Ozzy and company, but there's a first time for everything!
Friday, May 4, 2012
"Spectacles"!
Years ago I began to notice something odd, and I knew I was getting old. It became apparent when I could no longer read the names of cities on the Rand McNally Road Atlas. After a visit with an eye specialist, he said all I needed to do was purchase a cheap pair of reading glasses from the local Walgreens. Over the years I have probably lost or misplaced more pairs of glasses then I care to admit. Recently I have purchased these readers in sets of three, and no matter how much I try to keep track of them, I usually set them aside, then forget where I put them (another sign of aging). It has been somewhat humorous that my lost glasses have been reappearing lately. Now I stumble over them constantly. After feeding my dogs a couple of days ago, I heard a loud crunch, followed by a verbal tyrade by Ozzy. His speech was a bit more colorful than usual, and it became obvious why he reacted so strongly; "What idiot put a pair of eyeglasses in my dog dish?"
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
"Promiscuous Shootin'"!
No matter how hard Ozzy tried to come up with the words to describe what happened, I believe "Destry" said it best. Recently my wife applied for a concealed weapon permit so she could take walks in the local park with some kind of protection. Before she is turned loose on an unsuspecting public, she is going to undergo firearms training. We could utilize one of the programs in Augusta, but she decided her former Army infantry husband should be up to the task. Reluctantly, I accepted.
It took some time to rig targets for close-range combat live fire exercises. Ozzy volunteered to assist me, and although he knows nothing about firearms, he said he wouldn't miss this for the world. First, my wife had to become familiar with her weapon, since the sum of her knowledge was the bullet came out of the end of the barrel and into the bad guy. I have discovered that if a person is not mechanically inclined, learning the difference between semi-autos and revolvers can be a challenge. Actually learning to use the weapon in a variety of situations is time consuming, but worth the effort to make someone proficient in proper use of firearms. Realizing this was going to take longer than I thought, it is advisable to avoid distractions, ie, Ozzy. During our initial class, I had to constantly chastise Ozzy for playing with the equipment, which doubled my teaching time. Mimicing John Wayne was just one of his many antics. At one point I heard him ask "What's in here?", only to discover he was looking down the barrel of a Luger 9mm pistol. I won't even mention his picking up a round and tapping on the primer, wanting to know what would happen next. I have concluded that if Ozzy continues to be my assistant, I am going to have to re-write the infantry small arms handbook to include the "Ozzy Doctrine". Roughly translated it means "Safety Last"!.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
"World's Most Beautiful Woman"!
When Ozzy and I take a trip to Walmart he has to go incognito; otherwise, he can't go into the store. Once inside I have to prevent him from tossing things into the cart, or scold him for making derogatory comments to fellow customers. After we finished shopping, we stood in the checkout line. As I placed items on the belt I noticed Ozzy kept staring back towards the shelves lining the isle. At first I couldn't figure out if he was looking at the multiple choices of candy, or some other item. It finally dawned on that he was checking out the magazine stand. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary. The ususal celebrity romances, divorces, and diets. I did notice People Magazine voted Beyonce' the "World's Most Beautiful Woman" for 2012. Other than that, nothing Earth shattering.
On the trip home Ozzy sat silent, which is unusual. As he looked out the window I could see the inquisitive expression on his little brown face. Finally, he broke his silence, and what he said nearly caused me to go off the road. "Daddy, WHO is Beyonkey?"
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
"Damage Control"!
The "Know Your Dog" book warned this would happen. In the chapter explaining ownership of this little breed of terrier, it specifically said "Spoiling is not recommended". So why did I do it? Perhaps they shouldn't have been offered in the cudly and cute department. I just couldn't help myself. Now I'm paying the price.
Ozzy demands constant attention. The problem is my work gets in the way of my other full-time job... taking care of a spoiled rotten min-pin. He just bats those little eyes of his, and a grown man melts like a chocolate bar on a sidewalk. However, when I need to be somewhere else, the little brown dog doesn't like it, so he protests.
By the time I arrive back home after a day on the job, I will usually find a mess in the living room, or trash scatterd all over the house... Brat!
Last night I had to chew him out for another of his misbehaviour moments. Ozzy has
tried several manipulative methods in an attempt to divert blame or avoid discipline. This time he tried the "thousand yard stare".
Tomorrow I have to perform a wedding ceremony, and I'm already wondering in what way my home will be re-decorated.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
"Operation Fast and Furry-ous"!
Ozzy and I don't just ride ANY motorcycle. When we go for a ride, we straddle a big blue Ninja ZX-14. He says this makes us one of the baddest duo on the interstate. From that standpoint, it takes serious competition to impress us.
Earlier this week we decided to hit I-20 for an incursion into Augusta. As we approached the congested city traffic, something merging onto the interstate caught our attention. I heard Ozzy screaming for me to "catch up to that thing". Weaving our way to the head of the pack, we rode up alongside a beautiful silver BMW 8i. Wow!!!
I couldn't help but admire the vehicle. It seemed more a work of art than just another sportscar. I paid little attention to the blonde chick in the passenger's seat... unfortunately Ozzy did! I gestured to the guy driving the Beemer that his car was beautiful. In return the man became angry and shook his fist at me. It took me a minute to figure out why.
Apparently Ozzy was making googly eyes and smoochy kisses to the driver's lovely companion. The little brown dog almost got me in a road-rage confrontation. What began as a show of respect quickly deteriorated into an embarrassing disaster. I actually had to pull off the interstate and scold Ozzy for his inappropriate behaviour.
Frustrated, I decided our little ride was enough for the day, and we headed toward home. Within two minutes another sportscar pulled onto the highway. This time, however, I ignored the repeated screams of "Catch up to that thing"!
Earlier this week we decided to hit I-20 for an incursion into Augusta. As we approached the congested city traffic, something merging onto the interstate caught our attention. I heard Ozzy screaming for me to "catch up to that thing". Weaving our way to the head of the pack, we rode up alongside a beautiful silver BMW 8i. Wow!!!
I couldn't help but admire the vehicle. It seemed more a work of art than just another sportscar. I paid little attention to the blonde chick in the passenger's seat... unfortunately Ozzy did! I gestured to the guy driving the Beemer that his car was beautiful. In return the man became angry and shook his fist at me. It took me a minute to figure out why.
Apparently Ozzy was making googly eyes and smoochy kisses to the driver's lovely companion. The little brown dog almost got me in a road-rage confrontation. What began as a show of respect quickly deteriorated into an embarrassing disaster. I actually had to pull off the interstate and scold Ozzy for his inappropriate behaviour.
Frustrated, I decided our little ride was enough for the day, and we headed toward home. Within two minutes another sportscar pulled onto the highway. This time, however, I ignored the repeated screams of "Catch up to that thing"!
Monday, April 16, 2012
"Prescription For Disaster"!
My dog Ozzy and I decided to take a little camping trip. We figured it was chance to do some Daddy-Dog bonding. My wife called it a camp for boys. Packing was a bit more involved for me, since Ozzy has no need to take several changes of clothes.
Our list of items included shower essentials, groceries, bug juice, and the usual camping gear most folks carry to the woods. Most of this was packed into common containers since we would be sharing our supplies. One thing I emphasized to Ozzy was the need to separate our Doctor prescribed medications. Unfortunately, Ozzy didn't get the memo, thus my current delimma.
Upon arriving at our campsite, we set up our camper, and started the charcoal for cooking a fine outdoor meal. I'm uncertain what caused my indigestion, but shortly after dinner I had need of relief. Unable to locate my reading glasses, I fumbled through my med bag and found what I thought was treatment for "heartburn". Unfortunately Ozzy put his meds in the same bag. When I found my glasses I could see the label more clearly. Instead of "heartburn" the label read "heartworm". That dang Ozzy!
At this time I am sitting in my outdoor lounge chair... I just hope death comes swiftly!
Our list of items included shower essentials, groceries, bug juice, and the usual camping gear most folks carry to the woods. Most of this was packed into common containers since we would be sharing our supplies. One thing I emphasized to Ozzy was the need to separate our Doctor prescribed medications. Unfortunately, Ozzy didn't get the memo, thus my current delimma.
Upon arriving at our campsite, we set up our camper, and started the charcoal for cooking a fine outdoor meal. I'm uncertain what caused my indigestion, but shortly after dinner I had need of relief. Unable to locate my reading glasses, I fumbled through my med bag and found what I thought was treatment for "heartburn". Unfortunately Ozzy put his meds in the same bag. When I found my glasses I could see the label more clearly. Instead of "heartburn" the label read "heartworm". That dang Ozzy!
At this time I am sitting in my outdoor lounge chair... I just hope death comes swiftly!
Friday, April 13, 2012
"North Korean FireWerx!"
The world was on the edge of it's seat (Ozzy included) at the prospect of a rocket launch by the North Koreans. We heard it everything from threats to excuses and explainations for the earth-shattering event. Was it a satellite, a peaceful mission, or a nuclear practice run? Ozzy says it's all academic at this point.
My canine pal watched as the international community weighed in. Every so often Ozzy would tell me the U.N. was threatening to issue another "revolution". I told him the correct term is "resolution"... he disagreed. He asked me if I had ever watched what transpired prior to his afternoon naps. "You mean the ridiculous circles you turn before you hit the pillow", I asked? "Exactly", he said. He understands international diplomacy better than most.
Back to the rocket launch; in short, the thing went up, the thing came down. While the world shuddered, the rocket sputtered. Now the U.N. Securtity Council is holding and emergency meeting. I asked Ozzy what "revolution" they might come up with this time. "I don't know", he said, "but if these Rocket Scientists ever decide to manufacture cars, I hope the revolution prevents the North Koreans from importing them to the U.S.!
My canine pal watched as the international community weighed in. Every so often Ozzy would tell me the U.N. was threatening to issue another "revolution". I told him the correct term is "resolution"... he disagreed. He asked me if I had ever watched what transpired prior to his afternoon naps. "You mean the ridiculous circles you turn before you hit the pillow", I asked? "Exactly", he said. He understands international diplomacy better than most.
Back to the rocket launch; in short, the thing went up, the thing came down. While the world shuddered, the rocket sputtered. Now the U.N. Securtity Council is holding and emergency meeting. I asked Ozzy what "revolution" they might come up with this time. "I don't know", he said, "but if these Rocket Scientists ever decide to manufacture cars, I hope the revolution prevents the North Koreans from importing them to the U.S.!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
"Invitation to a Bait Ball"!
My dog Ozzy and I spend quality time relaxing in the old recliner while catching some great high-def entertainment on the Plasma screen. As long as it's wholesome, we are liable to watch any kind of program, as our tastes and moods vary. This eveninings viewing choice... Animal Planet's "The Blue Planet; Seas of Life".
Sharing a peanut butter Zone bar and some high quality H2O, Ozzy and I were captivated by the sights and sounds of life in the open ocean. Things got a little crazy during the "bait ball" feeding frenzy. For those who don't know, a bait ball is a large group of small fish traveling together for protection in numbers. When the bigger fish come along, the smaller fish swarm, forming a huge ball. The bigger fish swim fast and furious into the ball, picking off the smaller fish.
As we watched, I noticed Ozzy began jerking. Somehow the episode rivaled a teen horror film. He was screaming "Get out of there", and at one point had his eyes covered..."I can't look", he said. "Tell me when it's over".
Fortunately the scene shifted to calmer and more peaceful activity. I checked to see if he was okay... he says the next Zone bar needs to be rolled into a ball, and he gets first crack!
Sharing a peanut butter Zone bar and some high quality H2O, Ozzy and I were captivated by the sights and sounds of life in the open ocean. Things got a little crazy during the "bait ball" feeding frenzy. For those who don't know, a bait ball is a large group of small fish traveling together for protection in numbers. When the bigger fish come along, the smaller fish swarm, forming a huge ball. The bigger fish swim fast and furious into the ball, picking off the smaller fish.
As we watched, I noticed Ozzy began jerking. Somehow the episode rivaled a teen horror film. He was screaming "Get out of there", and at one point had his eyes covered..."I can't look", he said. "Tell me when it's over".
Fortunately the scene shifted to calmer and more peaceful activity. I checked to see if he was okay... he says the next Zone bar needs to be rolled into a ball, and he gets first crack!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
"I Had a Dream... No Kidding"!
The dream I had last night is strange but true. But then again, isn't that what most dreams are? I can't tell you how many times I went to elementary school in my pajamas. I told Ozzy about it, and he insisted I share this with you.
This dream started in the usual weird sort of way, in that I was in a strange situation. Somehow I managed to find myself in a theological discussion with an unusual individual. First, his attire was similar to the old "Black Robe" missionaries of history past. He was young, laid-back, and wore a well-groomed redish colored beard. However, he sported a large, strange black hat with a little black ball on top, sort of like those on the ski caps we wear in cold weather.
During our discussion I made it clear I stood firm on the scriptural claims concerning Jesus Christ, and my position is unwavering. Then my counterpart presented his theological position. In short, he did not believe in the Deity of Christ, that the Bible is the Word of God, nor the crucifixion of Jesus. On top of that he flatly denied Jesus Christ was resurrected from the grave.
When I shared my dream with Ozzy, he just shook his little brown head. After a brief moment of thought, Ozzy said that if this guy actually believed this, then why was he wearing that stupid hat?
Good Old Ozzy... Never a dull moment!
This dream started in the usual weird sort of way, in that I was in a strange situation. Somehow I managed to find myself in a theological discussion with an unusual individual. First, his attire was similar to the old "Black Robe" missionaries of history past. He was young, laid-back, and wore a well-groomed redish colored beard. However, he sported a large, strange black hat with a little black ball on top, sort of like those on the ski caps we wear in cold weather.
During our discussion I made it clear I stood firm on the scriptural claims concerning Jesus Christ, and my position is unwavering. Then my counterpart presented his theological position. In short, he did not believe in the Deity of Christ, that the Bible is the Word of God, nor the crucifixion of Jesus. On top of that he flatly denied Jesus Christ was resurrected from the grave.
When I shared my dream with Ozzy, he just shook his little brown head. After a brief moment of thought, Ozzy said that if this guy actually believed this, then why was he wearing that stupid hat?
Good Old Ozzy... Never a dull moment!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
"Old School Personal Hygiene"!
One of man's greatest inventions has to be toilet paper. Next to a dog like Ozzy it can be man's best friend. A reliable fixture in every modern home... until somebody forgets to replace the empty roll. Taking for granted that it will be there when that ultimate moment arrives can result in a feeling of being standed on a desolate island desperately crying out for help.
The distress call came at approximately 3:05 pm. The telephone was beyond reach, so dialing 911 was not an option. Without immediate intervention all would be lost. The party in question should have checked beforehand, but in a mother nature induced panic rushed into the fray without first assuring he had everything in order. Unfortuantely the toilet paper roll was empty, thus the cries for help from the back bathroom.
It was at this point my dog Ozzy had heard enough. "What's wrong with you people", he yelled. "Why don't you do like the rest of us... just go outside, find a spot on the lawn, grab a seat, and start dragging?"
I get what Ozzy was saying... I just wonder what he meant by "You People".
The distress call came at approximately 3:05 pm. The telephone was beyond reach, so dialing 911 was not an option. Without immediate intervention all would be lost. The party in question should have checked beforehand, but in a mother nature induced panic rushed into the fray without first assuring he had everything in order. Unfortuantely the toilet paper roll was empty, thus the cries for help from the back bathroom.
It was at this point my dog Ozzy had heard enough. "What's wrong with you people", he yelled. "Why don't you do like the rest of us... just go outside, find a spot on the lawn, grab a seat, and start dragging?"
I get what Ozzy was saying... I just wonder what he meant by "You People".
Thursday, April 5, 2012
"The Bavarian Effect"!
I'm not sure how it happened. Perhaps my marriage to a "Harmon" (German surname) is to blame, but one day I looked around and realized all of our dogs are German breeds. This is not a bad thing, unless you allow them to get into your head.
Two nights ago walked into my home and found myself in an old Bavarian style inn surrounded by every German breed of dog I could imagine. Dauchshunds, Rotwielers, Dobermans, Min-Pins, and the like. They were all drinking German Ale, singing German songs, and playing loud German tunes that reminded me of an evening in Helen, Georgia. Add to this the fact that all these dogs were driving BMWs, Mercedes, Porsches, and VW's, and were speaking like those three little pigs in the "Shreck" stories.
Ozzy was swinging from a light fixture dressed in one of those little alpine outfits you see in the old movies, and before I realized it I was caught up in the whole affair. I soon found myself on the floor with dogs dancing around and around, laughing and saying "Yah! Yah!". Then the cuckoo clocks started to sound off... dozens of them, hundreds of them, louder and louder... stupid little yellow birds were everywhere. Just when I felt my eardrums couldn't take any more abuse, the ruckus was interupted by the thunderous roar of a saw cutting wood in a mill... and it wouldn't stop. It kept on and on... and then my living room began to fade into view. A living room... with a saw mill?
As my mind cleared, lo and behold, there was Ozzy, lying next to me on his back, snoring as loud as I have ever heard anyone do so. It was a dream, a stupid dream; or better yet, a NIGHTMARE! The dogs have finally gotten to me. Irritated, I pushed a sleepy Ozzy off the chair. "What did I do?", he asked. "Nuthin'", I said abruptly. Just make sure you sleep in another room from now on!
I need a poodle! Uh,oh, wait a minute...Poodles aren't from
Germany, are they?
Two nights ago walked into my home and found myself in an old Bavarian style inn surrounded by every German breed of dog I could imagine. Dauchshunds, Rotwielers, Dobermans, Min-Pins, and the like. They were all drinking German Ale, singing German songs, and playing loud German tunes that reminded me of an evening in Helen, Georgia. Add to this the fact that all these dogs were driving BMWs, Mercedes, Porsches, and VW's, and were speaking like those three little pigs in the "Shreck" stories.
Ozzy was swinging from a light fixture dressed in one of those little alpine outfits you see in the old movies, and before I realized it I was caught up in the whole affair. I soon found myself on the floor with dogs dancing around and around, laughing and saying "Yah! Yah!". Then the cuckoo clocks started to sound off... dozens of them, hundreds of them, louder and louder... stupid little yellow birds were everywhere. Just when I felt my eardrums couldn't take any more abuse, the ruckus was interupted by the thunderous roar of a saw cutting wood in a mill... and it wouldn't stop. It kept on and on... and then my living room began to fade into view. A living room... with a saw mill?
As my mind cleared, lo and behold, there was Ozzy, lying next to me on his back, snoring as loud as I have ever heard anyone do so. It was a dream, a stupid dream; or better yet, a NIGHTMARE! The dogs have finally gotten to me. Irritated, I pushed a sleepy Ozzy off the chair. "What did I do?", he asked. "Nuthin'", I said abruptly. Just make sure you sleep in another room from now on!
I need a poodle! Uh,oh, wait a minute...Poodles aren't from
Germany, are they?
Monday, April 2, 2012
"The Better to Hear You With, My Dear!"
The commercial for the personal "sonic" hearing enhancement device was tempting. Years of military Bradley Fighting Vehicle and M-1 Abrams Tank ranges had taken their toll. Subtle hearing loss coupled with a nagging ring in my ears... this thing might help. I mean, who wouldn't want to improve thier hearing?
My dog Ozzy was chilled on the couch, and could tell I was considering picking up the phone to make a purchase. His questionalbe expression said it all. "Hey, I know you're thinking this is a dumb idea. Hearing enhancement would prevent me from saying 'Huh?' all the time". Besides, I liked the idea that I might hear what folks are saying when I walk past them (compliments like handsome, intelligent, smooth, graceful, etc.).
Ozzy looked at me and shook his head. "You may not be able to listen to people's comments from a distance, but you forget I'm a dog! I KNOW what they are saying about you...I hear everything". When I asked him what he heard, his reply was "You don't want to know". After several attempts I finally slipped him a dollar bill as a bribe (after all, he's a dog; he doesn't know the difference). The pay-off worked... he relented.
"Okay, just don't shoot the messenger", he said. "Do you remember the walks we took in the park last summer? I could hear folks say things such as "That guy looks like an idiot... he probably thinks he's cool... uncoordinated oaf, big goofy ears, old man, and bald-headed geek".
I was stunned. I asked Ozzy if he was certain that's what he heard. "Hey, you get what you pay for", he said.
Perhaps I don't need those hearing aids after all.
My dog Ozzy was chilled on the couch, and could tell I was considering picking up the phone to make a purchase. His questionalbe expression said it all. "Hey, I know you're thinking this is a dumb idea. Hearing enhancement would prevent me from saying 'Huh?' all the time". Besides, I liked the idea that I might hear what folks are saying when I walk past them (compliments like handsome, intelligent, smooth, graceful, etc.).
Ozzy looked at me and shook his head. "You may not be able to listen to people's comments from a distance, but you forget I'm a dog! I KNOW what they are saying about you...I hear everything". When I asked him what he heard, his reply was "You don't want to know". After several attempts I finally slipped him a dollar bill as a bribe (after all, he's a dog; he doesn't know the difference). The pay-off worked... he relented.
"Okay, just don't shoot the messenger", he said. "Do you remember the walks we took in the park last summer? I could hear folks say things such as "That guy looks like an idiot... he probably thinks he's cool... uncoordinated oaf, big goofy ears, old man, and bald-headed geek".
I was stunned. I asked Ozzy if he was certain that's what he heard. "Hey, you get what you pay for", he said.
Perhaps I don't need those hearing aids after all.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
"Tour de Ozzy"!
My wife and son travelling to Tifton this afternoon was no reason for Ozzy to decide it was the perfect time for a guy trip, but try telling him that. Since he has never been to Atlanta, he nagged until I relented. After all, what harm could come from a quick trip on I-20 West to the Big City? Wrong question to ask.
Since it was his idea, Ozzy "planned" our little trek, chosing to take the back-roads instead of the interstate. He wanted to drive, believing his dog tag license was for him to operate a vehicle. I didn't believe he would actually push the issue, but as I stood in the kitchen I could hear him chanting "Road Trip! Road Trip!" from the driver's seat of the truck. "Okay, Big Boy!", I said. "Give it a shot". He cranked up the vehicle, and in a lame attempt to move the gear lever to reverse, he managed to engage the wash mode on the wind shield wipers. Well, at least we'll have a clear view of the highway. That said, Ozzy switched to the passenger seat, and we were on our way.
Unable to drive, Ozzy volunteered to take charge and issue directions using a large map of the Peach State. Ten minutes later we arrived in Thomson, and when my little canine co-pilot saw the "Dairy Queen" sign, he screamed for ice cream. I should have known better. Ozzy got a huge soft-serve chocolate ice cream cone, two "Snickers" bars and a "Monster" energy drink. When we finally got on the road, it didn't take long for our excursion to unravel.
Ozzy insisted that no real road trip is conducted with the windows up. The wind gusts inside the cab were exagerated by the wind gusts outside. 10 miles out of town we ran into a swarm of bees, half of which rode with us the rest of the way. Added to this was aroma of the fresh road-kill skunk I ran over while trying to avoid getting stung. The wind was making it difficult for Ozzy to hold the map steady, and by now the ice cream was melting. It became crystal clear we needed four lanes if we were going to survive to make it home.
Just outside of Warrenton Ozzy's tasty treat dropped onto the now ragged road map. Unfazed, Ozzy licked the map and tried to give directions at the same time. Things had deteriorated quickly, and we stopped at the first gas station. Truck doors flew open, and freaked-out bees went everywhere. Regrouping at the hood of the truck, we spread out our road map. Between the bugs, hurricane force winds, and Ozzy's ice cream, the city of Atlanta was missing. The entire state of Georgia looked as though General Sherman had come through again. Patrons walked by our truck holding their noses and staring at Ozzy, thanks to the dead skunk parts steaming from the exhaust.
We planned to visit Atlanta... we made it as far as Warren County. Ozzy says the we wouldn't be in the mess were in if I hadn't gotten the bright idea to take a road trip in the first place. By the way, does anyone have any need for a few dozen shell-shocked, skunk-scented, ice cream covered bumble bees?
Since it was his idea, Ozzy "planned" our little trek, chosing to take the back-roads instead of the interstate. He wanted to drive, believing his dog tag license was for him to operate a vehicle. I didn't believe he would actually push the issue, but as I stood in the kitchen I could hear him chanting "Road Trip! Road Trip!" from the driver's seat of the truck. "Okay, Big Boy!", I said. "Give it a shot". He cranked up the vehicle, and in a lame attempt to move the gear lever to reverse, he managed to engage the wash mode on the wind shield wipers. Well, at least we'll have a clear view of the highway. That said, Ozzy switched to the passenger seat, and we were on our way.
Unable to drive, Ozzy volunteered to take charge and issue directions using a large map of the Peach State. Ten minutes later we arrived in Thomson, and when my little canine co-pilot saw the "Dairy Queen" sign, he screamed for ice cream. I should have known better. Ozzy got a huge soft-serve chocolate ice cream cone, two "Snickers" bars and a "Monster" energy drink. When we finally got on the road, it didn't take long for our excursion to unravel.
Ozzy insisted that no real road trip is conducted with the windows up. The wind gusts inside the cab were exagerated by the wind gusts outside. 10 miles out of town we ran into a swarm of bees, half of which rode with us the rest of the way. Added to this was aroma of the fresh road-kill skunk I ran over while trying to avoid getting stung. The wind was making it difficult for Ozzy to hold the map steady, and by now the ice cream was melting. It became crystal clear we needed four lanes if we were going to survive to make it home.
Just outside of Warrenton Ozzy's tasty treat dropped onto the now ragged road map. Unfazed, Ozzy licked the map and tried to give directions at the same time. Things had deteriorated quickly, and we stopped at the first gas station. Truck doors flew open, and freaked-out bees went everywhere. Regrouping at the hood of the truck, we spread out our road map. Between the bugs, hurricane force winds, and Ozzy's ice cream, the city of Atlanta was missing. The entire state of Georgia looked as though General Sherman had come through again. Patrons walked by our truck holding their noses and staring at Ozzy, thanks to the dead skunk parts steaming from the exhaust.
We planned to visit Atlanta... we made it as far as Warren County. Ozzy says the we wouldn't be in the mess were in if I hadn't gotten the bright idea to take a road trip in the first place. By the way, does anyone have any need for a few dozen shell-shocked, skunk-scented, ice cream covered bumble bees?
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
"Mythology Ain't All It's Krackened Up to Be"!
After watching the film "Clash of the Titans", my dog Ozzy went off on Greek Mythology. I listened intently as he ranted for several minutes. The following is an exerpt from Ozzy's speech.
"It's ridiculous what those poor ol' Greeks had to deal with a long time ago" he said. "Imagine putting up with a whole bunch of promiscuous deities that caused nothing but trouble. Especially Zeus, an egomaniac that couldn't leave earth chicks alone. And the brats called demigods with their freaky little powers... it's insane! Was the call to release the Kraken some sort of animal rights issue? Did they have that poor little fish monster locked up in a pet caddie, or what?"
"And who the "Hades" was "Medussa"? She'd have you speechless on the first date! The worst part is when a Greek croaked, somebody would have to place two coins on his eyeballs just to pay "Bob the Boatman" to cross the "River Stinks" just to spend eternity in an everlasting nightmare... The whole thing is enough to drive a dog insane!"
Ozzy said he's glad there ain't but one God, and He's alot nicer than those in the movie. How true, Ozzy... How true!
"It's ridiculous what those poor ol' Greeks had to deal with a long time ago" he said. "Imagine putting up with a whole bunch of promiscuous deities that caused nothing but trouble. Especially Zeus, an egomaniac that couldn't leave earth chicks alone. And the brats called demigods with their freaky little powers... it's insane! Was the call to release the Kraken some sort of animal rights issue? Did they have that poor little fish monster locked up in a pet caddie, or what?"
"And who the "Hades" was "Medussa"? She'd have you speechless on the first date! The worst part is when a Greek croaked, somebody would have to place two coins on his eyeballs just to pay "Bob the Boatman" to cross the "River Stinks" just to spend eternity in an everlasting nightmare... The whole thing is enough to drive a dog insane!"
Ozzy said he's glad there ain't but one God, and He's alot nicer than those in the movie. How true, Ozzy... How true!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
"Too Hot to Handle"!
My wife can't put her coffee down without Ozzy finding it and lapping it up. It seems he can't resist the sweet, creamy Dunkin Donuts brew. Aggravated, she decided to fix his wagon one day by substituting salt for the usual raw sugar. One sip and his face twisted like a pretzel. She thought it was funny... he did not!
Earlier this evening Ozzy was in the kitchen cooking up some revenge. My wife loves hot and spicy foods, and is especially fond of those little green jalapenos. Ozzy snatched one out of a jar and began adding additional spices and other suprises for his payback recipe (I though I heard him mention battery acid as one of the ingredients). When he was through he needed tongs to handle the finished product, which he fondly refers to as his "Doomsday Pepper"!
This should be real interesting.
Earlier this evening Ozzy was in the kitchen cooking up some revenge. My wife loves hot and spicy foods, and is especially fond of those little green jalapenos. Ozzy snatched one out of a jar and began adding additional spices and other suprises for his payback recipe (I though I heard him mention battery acid as one of the ingredients). When he was through he needed tongs to handle the finished product, which he fondly refers to as his "Doomsday Pepper"!
This should be real interesting.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
"Psychos R Us"!
A stop at Walgreens isn't just for meds... they sell sea-salted cashews, peanuts, and the mixed variety. These snacks come in low salt as well, which is what I eat (Doctor's orders). When I get them home I have to hide them from the dogs. Otherwise, my stash disappears quickly.
Extra precautions are necessary due to my dog's uncanny ability to unscrew the lids and devour the contents. My problem is Ozzy knows my hiding places, so this trick does me little good. I thought I had finally stumped him, but yesterday I noticed my supply was running out faster than it should have been... Ozzy!
Although I had not actually seen him eating my snack, it had to be him. The answer was to watch him closely, and sure enough he found my new hiding place. But when was he eating them, and where was he stashing the goods? I tracked him to my hiding place. He was taking my goodies and hiding them in an old jewelry box. When I caught him carrying the box to his own hiding place I asked him "What's that?" His reply was "It's a nut-case!"
Extra precautions are necessary due to my dog's uncanny ability to unscrew the lids and devour the contents. My problem is Ozzy knows my hiding places, so this trick does me little good. I thought I had finally stumped him, but yesterday I noticed my supply was running out faster than it should have been... Ozzy!
Although I had not actually seen him eating my snack, it had to be him. The answer was to watch him closely, and sure enough he found my new hiding place. But when was he eating them, and where was he stashing the goods? I tracked him to my hiding place. He was taking my goodies and hiding them in an old jewelry box. When I caught him carrying the box to his own hiding place I asked him "What's that?" His reply was "It's a nut-case!"
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
"Dubble Bubble Trubble"!
I let the canine crowd out for their evening outdoor romp. Everything was fine until they came back inside the house... we all caught it at the same time. "One of ya'll stinks", my wife said, holding her nose. After the others were eliminated, Ozzy was the stink-bug. I said he didn't know how it happened, but his cohorts let the cat out of the bag... it was the old dog rolling in a dead animal trick.
I started running the bath water, and Ozzy asked if he could have a bubble bath. I was considering a Pine Sol scrubbing, but gave in after he gave me the "sad eyes". My wife brought her luxury lavendar scented relaxation therapy bubble bath bottle to me, and I poured it in... perhaps a little too much. Ozzy dove in like a hyperactive child on raw sugar. Splash!
Forgetting the towel, I instructed Ozzy to behave himself while I grabbed one from the closet. When I returned to the bathroom he had already made a Santa Claus hat and bubbly beard. "Ho! Ho! Ho!", he yelled.
Yes, Ozzy was having a blast, and for a moment that horrible odor was gone. Unfortunately, the relaxation portion of the bubble bath worked all too well. A handfull of strange bubbles suddenly appeared... and I suddenly left the room!
I think I'll give it a few minutes!
I started running the bath water, and Ozzy asked if he could have a bubble bath. I was considering a Pine Sol scrubbing, but gave in after he gave me the "sad eyes". My wife brought her luxury lavendar scented relaxation therapy bubble bath bottle to me, and I poured it in... perhaps a little too much. Ozzy dove in like a hyperactive child on raw sugar. Splash!
Forgetting the towel, I instructed Ozzy to behave himself while I grabbed one from the closet. When I returned to the bathroom he had already made a Santa Claus hat and bubbly beard. "Ho! Ho! Ho!", he yelled.
Yes, Ozzy was having a blast, and for a moment that horrible odor was gone. Unfortunately, the relaxation portion of the bubble bath worked all too well. A handfull of strange bubbles suddenly appeared... and I suddenly left the room!
I think I'll give it a few minutes!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
"Ter-Kee See-zun"!
This post's title says it all. Ozzy heard through the grapevine that Georgia's Turkey season opens this Saturday. Being the hunter he is, Ozzy is watching every turkey hunting program on the outdoor channels. He's even been strutting around the living room like a gobbler.
Even more interesting was his first reaction when he saw one of these magnificient birds on the big screen. He swore it was an overgrown chicken. After a heated discussion Ozzy finally conceded that I was correct (a first). Shortly after this he strolled into the kitchen and scribbled "Ter-kee See-zun on the March calendar... brilliant!
If you are searching for someone to prosecute for Ozzy's spelling prowess, don't look my direction. Truth is, he watches too many of those "Chick Fil-a" commercials... so you can blame those blasted cows!
those blasted cows!
Even more interesting was his first reaction when he saw one of these magnificient birds on the big screen. He swore it was an overgrown chicken. After a heated discussion Ozzy finally conceded that I was correct (a first). Shortly after this he strolled into the kitchen and scribbled "Ter-kee See-zun on the March calendar... brilliant!
If you are searching for someone to prosecute for Ozzy's spelling prowess, don't look my direction. Truth is, he watches too many of those "Chick Fil-a" commercials... so you can blame those blasted cows!
those blasted cows!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
"Battery Terminal Generation"!
I was desperate. My motorcycle battery expired, thus I needed a replacement. The only recourse I had was to purchase one from WalMart. It was late evening as I arrived at a local store.
Upon reaching the isle I observed two young men searching through the motorcycle battery boxes. I thought I observed one of them taking items and concealing them in his closed hand. They left right after I reached their location. Unable to prove anything was taken, I took my time and found a replacement. I purchased the battery and traveled home.
My plan was to assemble the battery and charge it overnight. When I pulled the battery out of the box, I discovered important items were missing. The next day I returned to WalMart, and Customer Service allowed me to obtaing the missing items from the box of the same battery model. Once again I arrived home, and the items did not match my battery.
By this time Ozzy was upset. He wanted to go for a ride. He pondered the idea that theives were stealing and switching motorcycle battery parts, thus leaving honest customers with mix-and-match batteries. At this point he threatened to make a motorcyclist voodoo doll to exact revenge. "May all thier motorcycles die on a desolate highway on a hot day with no water, and absolutely NO cell phone signal (Do you hear me now?)!"
This is Ozzy's curse. All you theiving "Squids" (Squirrely Kid On a Motorcycle) beware. Ozzy's curse is upon you!
Upon reaching the isle I observed two young men searching through the motorcycle battery boxes. I thought I observed one of them taking items and concealing them in his closed hand. They left right after I reached their location. Unable to prove anything was taken, I took my time and found a replacement. I purchased the battery and traveled home.
My plan was to assemble the battery and charge it overnight. When I pulled the battery out of the box, I discovered important items were missing. The next day I returned to WalMart, and Customer Service allowed me to obtaing the missing items from the box of the same battery model. Once again I arrived home, and the items did not match my battery.
By this time Ozzy was upset. He wanted to go for a ride. He pondered the idea that theives were stealing and switching motorcycle battery parts, thus leaving honest customers with mix-and-match batteries. At this point he threatened to make a motorcyclist voodoo doll to exact revenge. "May all thier motorcycles die on a desolate highway on a hot day with no water, and absolutely NO cell phone signal (Do you hear me now?)!"
This is Ozzy's curse. All you theiving "Squids" (Squirrely Kid On a Motorcycle) beware. Ozzy's curse is upon you!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
"Boogie Nights"!
Lately my dogs have been playing some sort of "Musical Bowls" during their mealtime. I have to keep Roxie and Spazz away from the others so they can eat peacefully. One evening, after filling the dog's bowls, I served my family some good old home made vegetable beef soup. What happened next will live in our household lore for generations to come.
Ozzy was sitting on the couch as I was filling his dish. Fearing one of the others would get to his groceries before he did, Ozzy jumped face first into his bowl. Unfortunately he managed to get a dry dog food pellet stuck in his nostril. This sudden intruder sent him into a sneezing and coughing fit. When he gave the universal choking signal, Roxie tried the Heimlich manuever, but to no avail.
Unable to deal with this obstruction, Ozzy finally had all he could take. Placing his paw on the opposite nostril, he gave a sudden, violent blow. The pellet flew out of his nose, bounced off the cuckoo clock, and landed in one of the soup bowls.
It wasn't until we started eating that somebody said the meal felt more like Captain Crunch than regular soup... Yuck!
Ozzy was sitting on the couch as I was filling his dish. Fearing one of the others would get to his groceries before he did, Ozzy jumped face first into his bowl. Unfortunately he managed to get a dry dog food pellet stuck in his nostril. This sudden intruder sent him into a sneezing and coughing fit. When he gave the universal choking signal, Roxie tried the Heimlich manuever, but to no avail.
Unable to deal with this obstruction, Ozzy finally had all he could take. Placing his paw on the opposite nostril, he gave a sudden, violent blow. The pellet flew out of his nose, bounced off the cuckoo clock, and landed in one of the soup bowls.
It wasn't until we started eating that somebody said the meal felt more like Captain Crunch than regular soup... Yuck!
Monday, March 12, 2012
"My New Mother"!
Who would have ever figured THIS would happen? Our new dog Roxie (a Doberman) has adopted Ozzy as her puppy. The little brown dog has always complained about being the "odd dog out", but all that is in the past.
The strange part about this new alignment is he is older than she is... Roxie is less than a year old. I'm guessing this can be attributed to a combination of her much larger size and a Doberman's inclination to be protective. All this aside, it's fun to watch them play fight (it looks alot like David vs Behemoth) and sit side by side on the couch. She grooms him, cuddles with him, and if he gets out of line, she "herds" him to where he is supposed to be.
I am afraid Ozzy is trying to take full advantage of his new bodyguard. He uses his elevated position to irritate the others, then "runs to Momma" when they get after him. This morning he decided it was time to test uncharted waters. Since it is my job to feed the dogs each morning, I filled the dishes. However, Ozzy wanted Spazz's food. I told him to get to his own dish, but he flat-out refused and said "I ain't doin' it". When I scolded him he immediately ran to Roxie.
Unfortunately for Ozzy, Roxie knows who fills the feed dish. She told him to shut up and go eat out of his own food bowl. He pouted for about an hour, but eventually things got back to normal... If you could consider anything around here as "Normal"!
The strange part about this new alignment is he is older than she is... Roxie is less than a year old. I'm guessing this can be attributed to a combination of her much larger size and a Doberman's inclination to be protective. All this aside, it's fun to watch them play fight (it looks alot like David vs Behemoth) and sit side by side on the couch. She grooms him, cuddles with him, and if he gets out of line, she "herds" him to where he is supposed to be.
I am afraid Ozzy is trying to take full advantage of his new bodyguard. He uses his elevated position to irritate the others, then "runs to Momma" when they get after him. This morning he decided it was time to test uncharted waters. Since it is my job to feed the dogs each morning, I filled the dishes. However, Ozzy wanted Spazz's food. I told him to get to his own dish, but he flat-out refused and said "I ain't doin' it". When I scolded him he immediately ran to Roxie.
Unfortunately for Ozzy, Roxie knows who fills the feed dish. She told him to shut up and go eat out of his own food bowl. He pouted for about an hour, but eventually things got back to normal... If you could consider anything around here as "Normal"!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
"A Dish Best Served Cold"!
One of our little dogs named "Spazz" is a Min-Pin who eats anything and everything. No matter how hard we try to keep her on diet dog food, she has a knack for finding groceries (even consuming bugs out in the yard). She's the bully of the pack, often knocking the others off their food bowls unless we are there to intervene. By Ozzy's reckoning, this has gone on long enough.
I can't tell you how many times we have come home to find the food pantry broken into and items snatched off of shelves we thought a small dog couldn't reach. What's even more difficult to believe is Spazz's ability to open jars. On this particular day we arrived home to find a doggie medicine bottle opened and it's contents ravaged. How this happened is quite humorous.
Ozzy has put up with Spazz's aggressive food fetish for too long. After we left for church this morning the dogs began their usual promiscuous behaviour. Spazz hit the food pantry, unsuccesfully this time. Meanwhile Ozzy jumped from the back of my recliner onto the kitchen counter where he found a bottle full of doggie antibiotics. After reading the contents he studied the side effects. One in particular grabbed his attention, and sensing a chance for some revenge he tossed the bottle to Spazz. She didn't even bother to read the label, she just cracked open the bottle and dug in.
When we arrived home and made our discovery, a quick investigation revealed what had occured. Curious, I asked Ozzy what prompted him to do such a thing. He told me it was payback for being bullied at the feed tray. When I picked up the empty bottle and read the label, one side effect caught my attention... "Product may cause explosive diarrhea"!
As I write this Ozzy is watching Spazz and grinning from ear to ear... still waiting!
I can't tell you how many times we have come home to find the food pantry broken into and items snatched off of shelves we thought a small dog couldn't reach. What's even more difficult to believe is Spazz's ability to open jars. On this particular day we arrived home to find a doggie medicine bottle opened and it's contents ravaged. How this happened is quite humorous.
Ozzy has put up with Spazz's aggressive food fetish for too long. After we left for church this morning the dogs began their usual promiscuous behaviour. Spazz hit the food pantry, unsuccesfully this time. Meanwhile Ozzy jumped from the back of my recliner onto the kitchen counter where he found a bottle full of doggie antibiotics. After reading the contents he studied the side effects. One in particular grabbed his attention, and sensing a chance for some revenge he tossed the bottle to Spazz. She didn't even bother to read the label, she just cracked open the bottle and dug in.
When we arrived home and made our discovery, a quick investigation revealed what had occured. Curious, I asked Ozzy what prompted him to do such a thing. He told me it was payback for being bullied at the feed tray. When I picked up the empty bottle and read the label, one side effect caught my attention... "Product may cause explosive diarrhea"!
As I write this Ozzy is watching Spazz and grinning from ear to ear... still waiting!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
"Bigfoot and Barbecue"!
Animal Planet ran a "Finding Bigfoot" marathon the other day. You folks might not understand, but this is nigh unto a Super Bowl celebration to Ozzy. He insisted that I provide a barbecue blow-out for the occasion. Barbecue pork, barbecue chicken, and Ozzy's favorite, Barbecue Baked Beans... Game On!
It didn't take long for the Bigfooters to hit the woods, while Ozzy scarfed down a huge bowl of baked beans (it was his third). The marathon was going to last several hours, and he didn't want to miss a single minute (I wished he would have waited until AFTER the shows were over). However, it wasn't long before things began to get interesting.
First,the foursome tried to imitate a bigfoot with their ridiculous "calls" (Ozzy said they sounded more like a Redneck searching for a date). Then, on one episode "BoBo" said Squatches were attracted to sing-alongs. We thought it was a joke until they actually tried to lure in a bigfoot while picking guitars and singing "We Are the World" around a campfire... and it only got worse.
The final episode of the evening Ozzy and I sat in amazement as the "researchers" claimed that Squatches can't resist fireworks. They actually set up a fake campsite, complete with "dummies" fully dressed and sitting in chairs. Meanwhile, the real "dummies" proceeded up to the top of the hill, and let loose with a Fourth-of-July style extravaganza.
Both of us sat there with a puzzled look on our barbecue stained faces. After using everything they could to lure a bigfoot, I wondered out loud what they might try next. That's when Ozzy came up with a brilliant suggestion..."By any chance would you have a match?", he asked.
It didn't take long for the Bigfooters to hit the woods, while Ozzy scarfed down a huge bowl of baked beans (it was his third). The marathon was going to last several hours, and he didn't want to miss a single minute (I wished he would have waited until AFTER the shows were over). However, it wasn't long before things began to get interesting.
First,the foursome tried to imitate a bigfoot with their ridiculous "calls" (Ozzy said they sounded more like a Redneck searching for a date). Then, on one episode "BoBo" said Squatches were attracted to sing-alongs. We thought it was a joke until they actually tried to lure in a bigfoot while picking guitars and singing "We Are the World" around a campfire... and it only got worse.
The final episode of the evening Ozzy and I sat in amazement as the "researchers" claimed that Squatches can't resist fireworks. They actually set up a fake campsite, complete with "dummies" fully dressed and sitting in chairs. Meanwhile, the real "dummies" proceeded up to the top of the hill, and let loose with a Fourth-of-July style extravaganza.
Both of us sat there with a puzzled look on our barbecue stained faces. After using everything they could to lure a bigfoot, I wondered out loud what they might try next. That's when Ozzy came up with a brilliant suggestion..."By any chance would you have a match?", he asked.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
"Bad Back Club"!
It's somewhat of a joke in my circle concerning those that have back problems due to ruptured or degenerated discs... we call it the "Bad Back Club". It is certainly no laughing matter when back spasms erupt, as these episodes can go on for several days, if not weeks. In my particular case, when a simple movement causes my back to seize up, I can barely move.
Last Friday I bent over to pick up a set of keys, and that's all it took. I couldn'g recover from my stooped position, and it's been that way since. This morning I spent several minutes trying to get myself in motion. When I was able to stand upright (although slightly bent to the left) I walked into the kitchen. I was unaware that Ozzy was mimicking my steps until I heard him moaning. He was imitating my every move and sound, slightly exagerated I might add.
I told Ozzy it wasn't funny. He seems to think it is. His loud moans made sounded like labor pains (I don't think I'm THAT bad). Besides the noises, there he stood on his hind legs, back stooped over, with one paw reaching around to hold his lumbar spine. It was actually quite humorous intil he called me an "In-valid"!
It's nice to know that if things go wrong, someone like Ozzy has got my back.... Literally!
Last Friday I bent over to pick up a set of keys, and that's all it took. I couldn'g recover from my stooped position, and it's been that way since. This morning I spent several minutes trying to get myself in motion. When I was able to stand upright (although slightly bent to the left) I walked into the kitchen. I was unaware that Ozzy was mimicking my steps until I heard him moaning. He was imitating my every move and sound, slightly exagerated I might add.
I told Ozzy it wasn't funny. He seems to think it is. His loud moans made sounded like labor pains (I don't think I'm THAT bad). Besides the noises, there he stood on his hind legs, back stooped over, with one paw reaching around to hold his lumbar spine. It was actually quite humorous intil he called me an "In-valid"!
It's nice to know that if things go wrong, someone like Ozzy has got my back.... Literally!
Monday, March 5, 2012
"1-900-CALLOZZY"!
I am not sure what channel we were tuned into, but it was late at night and I was dozing off. I did wake up at one point, and Ozzy was glued to a 1-900-livechicks tv ad. I nearly had to glue his eyes back into the sockets. I was wrong to believe I could settle him down and make him forget what he saw. After a brief lecture, I dozed off again.
When I came to, Ozzy was no longer sitting with me in my chair. I looked around the room to see if he was settled on another chair, but no such luck. Just then I heard someone talking, and the voice was coming from down the hallway. I followed the sound to the bathroom. I opened the door, and there sat Ozzy with the phone stuck to his ear.
As you might have guessed, Ozzy had some bimbo on the other end of the line. I have never heard a dog talk as much trash as my little pal. The poetry that rolled off his tongue would have made Shakespear envious. Unaware of my evesdropping, I startled him when I made my presence known. He quickly said goodbye, and hung up the phone.
"I think she loves me", he said. I had a difficult time convincing him these girls are paid to keep suckers like him engaged in conversation. He didn't believe me until I showed him the phone bill. "Uh-Oh", he said. Ozzy has promised never to do that again. Sworn oath aside, I am somewhat afraid to recieve next month's phone statement.
When it comes to the ladies, Ozzy is pretty weak!
When I came to, Ozzy was no longer sitting with me in my chair. I looked around the room to see if he was settled on another chair, but no such luck. Just then I heard someone talking, and the voice was coming from down the hallway. I followed the sound to the bathroom. I opened the door, and there sat Ozzy with the phone stuck to his ear.
As you might have guessed, Ozzy had some bimbo on the other end of the line. I have never heard a dog talk as much trash as my little pal. The poetry that rolled off his tongue would have made Shakespear envious. Unaware of my evesdropping, I startled him when I made my presence known. He quickly said goodbye, and hung up the phone.
"I think she loves me", he said. I had a difficult time convincing him these girls are paid to keep suckers like him engaged in conversation. He didn't believe me until I showed him the phone bill. "Uh-Oh", he said. Ozzy has promised never to do that again. Sworn oath aside, I am somewhat afraid to recieve next month's phone statement.
When it comes to the ladies, Ozzy is pretty weak!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
"Mystic Peet-zuh"!
Ozzy wanted to watch "HUGO" on the pay-per-view channel, so I grabbed my wife's cell phone and ordered via text messaging. The movie was playing on several channels, and a new showing started every thirty minutes, so we had a break before the next one began. I suggested we watch something else prior to the start of the flick, but Ozzy didn't want to take a chance we might lose track of time. Besides, he likes watching the little blue "donuts" moving across the screen on Directv's programing.
About 15 minutes before "HUGO" began, Ozzy got the bright idea to order a pizza. I told him to make the call since I had my foot brace on and was already kicked back in the recliner. He marched into the kitchen and grabbed the phone book and looked through the Yellow Pages for Domino's. His search would be an exercise in frustration.
After several minutes Ozzy became irritated. He said he couldn't find "pizza" listed anywhere in the phonebook. At one point I heard him slam the thing on the floor. I asked him to bring it to me, and I found it immediately. Looking puzzled, Ozzy said the spelling didn't make sense. He wanted to know why it was spelled with "z's" instead of the way it is pronounced. "It should be spelled "Peet-zuh", he said. I tried to explain to him why some words are spelled stangely... knife, Chevrolet, gnat, etc. "That's just stupid", he said.
In the end we finally ordered our "peet-zuh". After he settled into the recliner Ozzy told me that they better deliver it within thirty minutes, or else!
About 15 minutes before "HUGO" began, Ozzy got the bright idea to order a pizza. I told him to make the call since I had my foot brace on and was already kicked back in the recliner. He marched into the kitchen and grabbed the phone book and looked through the Yellow Pages for Domino's. His search would be an exercise in frustration.
After several minutes Ozzy became irritated. He said he couldn't find "pizza" listed anywhere in the phonebook. At one point I heard him slam the thing on the floor. I asked him to bring it to me, and I found it immediately. Looking puzzled, Ozzy said the spelling didn't make sense. He wanted to know why it was spelled with "z's" instead of the way it is pronounced. "It should be spelled "Peet-zuh", he said. I tried to explain to him why some words are spelled stangely... knife, Chevrolet, gnat, etc. "That's just stupid", he said.
In the end we finally ordered our "peet-zuh". After he settled into the recliner Ozzy told me that they better deliver it within thirty minutes, or else!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
"The Practical Joke"!
I thought it was funny at first, but found myself accused for Ozzy's antics. My teenage son Jake had fallen into a deep sleep on the recliner while watching a "Jesse Stone" episode on the big screen. His situation was a bit much for the little brown min-pin to resist. Ozzy said "watch this", and tip-toed over to a stack of kindling wood next to the fire place. What happened next left me in stitches, and then in trouble.
Ozzy grabbed a long, skinny twig from the fireplace, and eased over to the recliner. With the stealth of a ninja, he jumped up onto the recliner's footrest, then slithered up to the arm of the chair. Twig in hand, or paw, he began tickling Jake's face. I watched as my son would gently brush at the "bug" which agravated him while he slept. A tickle would be followed with a rub or scratch, and Ozzy would giggle like a little school girl. It was actually quite amusing at the time.
This scenario continued for about two minutes, but the last tickle was too much for the twilight teenager to handle. Ozzy gently guided the twig under Jake's nose, and with all the force one would expect from a kid that benches 360-plus pounds, Jake smaked himself right in the the face. The sudden impact aroused sleeping beauty, and as he was gathering his wits, Ozzy evacuated the chair, tossed the twig in my lap, and disappeared.
Needless to say, Jake was not happy, I recieved credit, and Ozzy could be heard snickering from the far end of the hallway. Although Jake believes I am lying, this was one of those rare ocassions that it was appropriate to blame the dog!
Ozzy grabbed a long, skinny twig from the fireplace, and eased over to the recliner. With the stealth of a ninja, he jumped up onto the recliner's footrest, then slithered up to the arm of the chair. Twig in hand, or paw, he began tickling Jake's face. I watched as my son would gently brush at the "bug" which agravated him while he slept. A tickle would be followed with a rub or scratch, and Ozzy would giggle like a little school girl. It was actually quite amusing at the time.
This scenario continued for about two minutes, but the last tickle was too much for the twilight teenager to handle. Ozzy gently guided the twig under Jake's nose, and with all the force one would expect from a kid that benches 360-plus pounds, Jake smaked himself right in the the face. The sudden impact aroused sleeping beauty, and as he was gathering his wits, Ozzy evacuated the chair, tossed the twig in my lap, and disappeared.
Needless to say, Jake was not happy, I recieved credit, and Ozzy could be heard snickering from the far end of the hallway. Although Jake believes I am lying, this was one of those rare ocassions that it was appropriate to blame the dog!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
'Milkbone Economy"!
It's hard to grasp the concept of national debt in Trillions. Ozzy was asking me to explain why we are in so deep, and what "trillion" means. In an attempt to put this into perspective, I shared the following equation.
I told Ozzy to imagine I owed money to him, and I promised to pay him after ONE MILLION seconds had transpired. At that rate, he would be reimbursed in 12 DAYS. If I told him I would pay him back in ONE BILLION seconds, it would take 32 YEARS. If It took ONE TRILLION seconds, Ozzy would have to wait 32,000 YEARS!
Still trying to get his little head around this, Ozzy asked me to calculate ONE TRILLION in doggie treats!
I'm still working on it!
I told Ozzy to imagine I owed money to him, and I promised to pay him after ONE MILLION seconds had transpired. At that rate, he would be reimbursed in 12 DAYS. If I told him I would pay him back in ONE BILLION seconds, it would take 32 YEARS. If It took ONE TRILLION seconds, Ozzy would have to wait 32,000 YEARS!
Still trying to get his little head around this, Ozzy asked me to calculate ONE TRILLION in doggie treats!
I'm still working on it!
Monday, February 20, 2012
"Ozzy's Revenge"!
I turned my head for a brief moment, and then it happened. I heard the car tires squall on the road in front of our house, and I knew it wasn't good. The car then sped off, and I heard my little dog Chrissy crying for me to come get her. She was the victim of a hit-and-run. The incident left her with a broken pelvis, and she is in surgery as I write this blog. The Doc says she should be fine, but her rehab will take some time.
If I hit a dog, I would stop to see if it was alright, and try to help if the animal is injured. If it happens in front of someone's home, I would see if the dog belonged to the owner. I couln't just leave the dog helpless on the highway. Apparently some folks do not care.
Ozzy is angry that someone would do this to his pal. It's taken every effort on my part to calm him down. At one point he wanted to call in his bloodhound friends to pick up the trail and track the culprit to his house. When I asked him what he would do if he located the perp, and his answer was short but simple... "Pain"!
You Go, Ozzy!
If I hit a dog, I would stop to see if it was alright, and try to help if the animal is injured. If it happens in front of someone's home, I would see if the dog belonged to the owner. I couln't just leave the dog helpless on the highway. Apparently some folks do not care.
Ozzy is angry that someone would do this to his pal. It's taken every effort on my part to calm him down. At one point he wanted to call in his bloodhound friends to pick up the trail and track the culprit to his house. When I asked him what he would do if he located the perp, and his answer was short but simple... "Pain"!
You Go, Ozzy!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
"Divine Intervention"!
While I was in the kitchen fixing a cup of coffee, I happened to look across the counter into the living room. Ozzy was staring into the television. This seem normal, but the TV was off. At first I thought he wanted to watch something, but when I went to turn it on he told me to wait a minute more. It took me a moment to figure things out.
My little brown dog was admiring his reflection in the blank screen. I asked him if he was finished. Finally, after another minute of staring into the the TV, Ozzy said that he was living proof of "Intelligent Design"!
And I thought I'd heard it all.
My little brown dog was admiring his reflection in the blank screen. I asked him if he was finished. Finally, after another minute of staring into the the TV, Ozzy said that he was living proof of "Intelligent Design"!
And I thought I'd heard it all.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
"Dog Show"!
Ozzy didn't want to move. I, on the other hand, had to leave my comfortable recliner to fix him a large bowl of popcorn. He was settled in for the evening, his eyes fastened to the Plasma Screen, unable to even blink. Staring at the spectacle with all the wonder of a child at Christmas, Ozzy witnessed his first televised Dog Show.
However, I find this about as interesting as a "Miss America Pagent" or one of those ridiculous interior decorator reality programs. Boring! I regret promising Ozzy he could watch anything he wanted if he sat through FOX News yesterday. Now I am stuck with Fido and Fifi live and in color. It doesn't help my situation watching my dog drool over the "chicks".
The finalists are lining up for one last walk in front of the judges, then we'll see who gets a blue ribbon. Glancing over to see what Ozzy is doing at this moment, and he is on a cell phone sending and receiving text messaging. Unaware he was a multi-tasker, I asked what he who he was talking to. Apparently he and some of the neighboring dogs are placing bets as to who will win the ultimate prize. What's worse is I discovered they are betting their "Daddies".
Well, it's time for me to go. It looks like just Ozzy lost me to the poodle just up the road. I hope my new family is rich!
However, I find this about as interesting as a "Miss America Pagent" or one of those ridiculous interior decorator reality programs. Boring! I regret promising Ozzy he could watch anything he wanted if he sat through FOX News yesterday. Now I am stuck with Fido and Fifi live and in color. It doesn't help my situation watching my dog drool over the "chicks".
The finalists are lining up for one last walk in front of the judges, then we'll see who gets a blue ribbon. Glancing over to see what Ozzy is doing at this moment, and he is on a cell phone sending and receiving text messaging. Unaware he was a multi-tasker, I asked what he who he was talking to. Apparently he and some of the neighboring dogs are placing bets as to who will win the ultimate prize. What's worse is I discovered they are betting their "Daddies".
Well, it's time for me to go. It looks like just Ozzy lost me to the poodle just up the road. I hope my new family is rich!
Monday, February 13, 2012
"The Tooth Fairy!"
Ozzy begged all evening this past Saturday, and upon tiring of hearing him whine, I caved. The issue involves his channel surfing with the remote and what he turned up in the pay-per-view listing. Ozzy came across a flick that peaked his curiousity called "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark". The term "malevolent creatures" was something he could relate to. My wife ordered the movie using her cell phone, and we settled in to watch.
The movie is about a homeowner whose basement held small gremlin-like critters that are portrayed as the tooth fairies of legend. Most of us played this game as children. When we lost teeth, we placed them under the pillow and recieved coins in exchange. I always pictured something like a "Tinkerbell" character. Ozzy thought the tooth fairy looked like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. However, the fairies in the movie were anything but benevolent. If I had this information when I was young, I would have thrown my teeth in the trash.
These hideous critters got loose from the basment, and were all over the house, under beds, on shelves, in the bathroom, and they wreaked destroyed everything they touched. They used scissors, knives, razor blades, and other items to wreak havoc. It was so awful that Ozzy had a difficult time getting to sleep Saturday night. He insisted we look under the furniture, in every closet, and behind every door. Ozzy also had us check to make sure we hadn't lost any teeth!
I actually considered playing a little joke on him last night. If I only had a set of dentures... :>)
The movie is about a homeowner whose basement held small gremlin-like critters that are portrayed as the tooth fairies of legend. Most of us played this game as children. When we lost teeth, we placed them under the pillow and recieved coins in exchange. I always pictured something like a "Tinkerbell" character. Ozzy thought the tooth fairy looked like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. However, the fairies in the movie were anything but benevolent. If I had this information when I was young, I would have thrown my teeth in the trash.
These hideous critters got loose from the basment, and were all over the house, under beds, on shelves, in the bathroom, and they wreaked destroyed everything they touched. They used scissors, knives, razor blades, and other items to wreak havoc. It was so awful that Ozzy had a difficult time getting to sleep Saturday night. He insisted we look under the furniture, in every closet, and behind every door. Ozzy also had us check to make sure we hadn't lost any teeth!
I actually considered playing a little joke on him last night. If I only had a set of dentures... :>)
Friday, February 10, 2012
"Ozzy vs The Doberman!"
Since taking on the responsiblity of another canine, the battle for "Top Dog" in the pack pecking order has taken on a more intense demeanor. Our new Doberman pup "Roxie" is still growing. Although she is clumsy she towers over the smaller, more nimble min-pins. These sawed-off masteminds have found that strength-in-numbers is a better alternative than going one-on-one with a much larger animal. However, somebody forgot to teach this strategy to Ozzy!
To prevent Roxie from chewing on the house, I bought her a large beef bone from Tractor Supply. It is the nearly the same size and weight of the small dogs. Yesterday Ozzy grabbed the big bone by it's end and dragged it from the living room and under the kitchen table so he could knaw on it in peace. Upon discovering her bone was no longer in her posession, Roxie followed the sounds of min-pin ecstasy to Ozzy's "safe" location.
At first the confrontation was a Mexican stand-off. For several minutes young Roxie was trying to figure out a way to quietly relieve Ozzy of the bone. Unable to do so, she resorted to a more agressive stategy. Lunging at the oposite end of the bone she attempted a sort of "snatch and grab", but Ozzy was determined to hang on to his loot. He manueverd the large treat under a chair, making it more difficult for Roxie to find an opening. Desperate, Roxie finally threw caution to the wind and engaged in a no-holds-barred assault. What was once a small exchange of growls and low-intensity barks suddenly became World War III!
From my perch in the living room I heard the noise of battle as the table rocked and chairs flew in the kitchen. Ozzy provided a defense that would have impressed stategists at the US Military Academy. I would never have imagined my little brown buddy would be able to keep the much larger Doberman from gaining the upper hand in this duel, but Ozzy used cover and terrain to his advantage. After several minutes watching this confrontation, I heard Ozzy scream "Woman, go get your own chewy treat... This one's mine!"
At this point it was necessary to step in and negotiate a settlement. Roxie would be required to stand down, and in return she recieved a handful of Milk Bone Dog Treats. Both dogs could live with this compromise, or so I thought. I dropped the treats on the floor in front of Roxie and went back to my activities. A moment later Roxie let out a quiet moan, and I looked over my shoulder in time to see Ozzy trotting back to his place under the kitchen table with a Milk Bone Treat.
After all my efforts, it turns out I have raised a little trucebreaker and a thief!
To prevent Roxie from chewing on the house, I bought her a large beef bone from Tractor Supply. It is the nearly the same size and weight of the small dogs. Yesterday Ozzy grabbed the big bone by it's end and dragged it from the living room and under the kitchen table so he could knaw on it in peace. Upon discovering her bone was no longer in her posession, Roxie followed the sounds of min-pin ecstasy to Ozzy's "safe" location.
At first the confrontation was a Mexican stand-off. For several minutes young Roxie was trying to figure out a way to quietly relieve Ozzy of the bone. Unable to do so, she resorted to a more agressive stategy. Lunging at the oposite end of the bone she attempted a sort of "snatch and grab", but Ozzy was determined to hang on to his loot. He manueverd the large treat under a chair, making it more difficult for Roxie to find an opening. Desperate, Roxie finally threw caution to the wind and engaged in a no-holds-barred assault. What was once a small exchange of growls and low-intensity barks suddenly became World War III!
From my perch in the living room I heard the noise of battle as the table rocked and chairs flew in the kitchen. Ozzy provided a defense that would have impressed stategists at the US Military Academy. I would never have imagined my little brown buddy would be able to keep the much larger Doberman from gaining the upper hand in this duel, but Ozzy used cover and terrain to his advantage. After several minutes watching this confrontation, I heard Ozzy scream "Woman, go get your own chewy treat... This one's mine!"
At this point it was necessary to step in and negotiate a settlement. Roxie would be required to stand down, and in return she recieved a handful of Milk Bone Dog Treats. Both dogs could live with this compromise, or so I thought. I dropped the treats on the floor in front of Roxie and went back to my activities. A moment later Roxie let out a quiet moan, and I looked over my shoulder in time to see Ozzy trotting back to his place under the kitchen table with a Milk Bone Treat.
After all my efforts, it turns out I have raised a little trucebreaker and a thief!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
"Proactive"!
I thought I heard a horrific scream coming from the bathroom this morning. I was standing in my kitchen working feverishly to prepare the Gevalia coffee maker for it's daily task. It was just too early for me to deal with life's little problems, or at least until I had the intitial burst of caffiene coursing through my veins. In the moments before I achieve this important goal, I wander around like a living Zombie, unable to function or think clearly.
Anyway, back to the scream. I ignored the first one, but the second shriek was more than I could deal with. I figured I should look into the situation before it reached life-or-death status. I clumslily stumbled down the hallway, peered into the bathroom, and there is Ozzy standing on a stool and staring into the mirror with a look of horror on his little face.
When I asked him what was wrong, he pointed at his nose and asked "Do you see it?". I could barely focus, and I didn't have my reading glasses. I told him "No", so he put his nose right in my face... "Do you see it now"? "See What"?, I asked. "The Zit!", he responded. "It's right here on my nose, and it's been staring back at me through the mirror!" I honestly couldn't see a thing, but in order to pacify my little dog, I told him to just scratch it off.
As one could imagine, Ozzy wasn't satisfied with my suggestion. He is worried to death the side-effectsof his "teenage years" are beginning to show. Now I am dealing with a panicked pooch who is searching the Proactive website and trying to sneak my credit card from my wallet (he's still freaked!).
Anyway, back to the scream. I ignored the first one, but the second shriek was more than I could deal with. I figured I should look into the situation before it reached life-or-death status. I clumslily stumbled down the hallway, peered into the bathroom, and there is Ozzy standing on a stool and staring into the mirror with a look of horror on his little face.
When I asked him what was wrong, he pointed at his nose and asked "Do you see it?". I could barely focus, and I didn't have my reading glasses. I told him "No", so he put his nose right in my face... "Do you see it now"? "See What"?, I asked. "The Zit!", he responded. "It's right here on my nose, and it's been staring back at me through the mirror!" I honestly couldn't see a thing, but in order to pacify my little dog, I told him to just scratch it off.
As one could imagine, Ozzy wasn't satisfied with my suggestion. He is worried to death the side-effectsof his "teenage years" are beginning to show. Now I am dealing with a panicked pooch who is searching the Proactive website and trying to sneak my credit card from my wallet (he's still freaked!).
Thursday, February 2, 2012
"Chain Saw Massacre"!
Wood burning stoves are great during cold weather, but real work when obtaining fuel for the season. I was running low on firewood, and since a freak storm blew a couple of whiteoak trees down in our backyard, I put gas in the chain saw and went to work. Fifteen minutes into my project I had to manuever a piece of wood for easier cutting, which required me to set the saw on the ground next to me. In hindsight I should have shut the thing off.
Unaware tha Ozzy was close by, as I was working he grabbed the still-running chain saw and simultaneously sqeezed the throttle. Since the saw weighs more than Ozzy, you can figure out which one had the upper hand. The saw revved, the chain dug into the ground, and then took off through the woods, Ozzy still hanging on and screaming for his life. It sounded like a bumble bee on steroids as it tore down the hill and out of sight. When he finally let go, the runaway chain saw idled for a few seconds, and then gave up the ghost.
The good news is Ozay survived this episode, and although the chain saw is a little worse for wear, his Paul Bunyon moment is probably a one-and-done deal.
Unaware tha Ozzy was close by, as I was working he grabbed the still-running chain saw and simultaneously sqeezed the throttle. Since the saw weighs more than Ozzy, you can figure out which one had the upper hand. The saw revved, the chain dug into the ground, and then took off through the woods, Ozzy still hanging on and screaming for his life. It sounded like a bumble bee on steroids as it tore down the hill and out of sight. When he finally let go, the runaway chain saw idled for a few seconds, and then gave up the ghost.
The good news is Ozay survived this episode, and although the chain saw is a little worse for wear, his Paul Bunyon moment is probably a one-and-done deal.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
"Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall"!
Ozzy and I were enjoying a peaceful evening watching NFL football until we heard a loud crash from the back bedroom. Icalled out to make sure nobody was injured, then went back to watching the game. After several minutes passed Ozzy could not keep his curiousity in check. He just had to investigate, so he jumped off the recliner and eased down the hallway.
It didn't take long for Ozzy to find out what transpired, and he ran back up to the living room, laughing the whole way. My wife had broken a mirror, and although she told us she knocked it off the wall, Ozzy isn't buying it. He believes my wife was staring at her reflection while chanting the lines of the wicked Queen in "Snow White". Instead of answering her question, Ozzy says the mirror broke under the stress!
My little canine companion has never exerienced the fury of a woman scorned, but if he doesn't pipe down soon, he will discover what a REAL doghouse feels like!
It didn't take long for Ozzy to find out what transpired, and he ran back up to the living room, laughing the whole way. My wife had broken a mirror, and although she told us she knocked it off the wall, Ozzy isn't buying it. He believes my wife was staring at her reflection while chanting the lines of the wicked Queen in "Snow White". Instead of answering her question, Ozzy says the mirror broke under the stress!
My little canine companion has never exerienced the fury of a woman scorned, but if he doesn't pipe down soon, he will discover what a REAL doghouse feels like!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
"Side Effects"!
My dog Ozzy and I were discussing the various drug advertisements on television. We found the messages were somewhat mixed. On the screen we observed actors portraying patients who apparently received a prescription for the meds and were living happy and productive lives with no complications. At the same time a narrator reads through a laundry list of side-effects that ranged from mild to horrific.
Ozzy began wondering what he might go through as a result of the vaccinations he has received from our local Vet's office. After pestering me relentlessly, I told him I would do a little research for him. I got on my computer and looked up "rabies vaccine". While I was reading the information I decided that a practical joke was in order (I can't help it). Trying to appear serious, I looked at Ozzy and shook my head. After giving him a bogus list of side-effects, the last thing I "quoted" was "In case of death, consult your veterinarian".
Ozzy is freaked... every few minutes he checks his pulse. I plan on letting him in on my little joke, but I think I'm going to milk this one just to pay him back for all the stuff he's pulled over on me!
Ozzy began wondering what he might go through as a result of the vaccinations he has received from our local Vet's office. After pestering me relentlessly, I told him I would do a little research for him. I got on my computer and looked up "rabies vaccine". While I was reading the information I decided that a practical joke was in order (I can't help it). Trying to appear serious, I looked at Ozzy and shook my head. After giving him a bogus list of side-effects, the last thing I "quoted" was "In case of death, consult your veterinarian".
Ozzy is freaked... every few minutes he checks his pulse. I plan on letting him in on my little joke, but I think I'm going to milk this one just to pay him back for all the stuff he's pulled over on me!
Monday, January 16, 2012
"Sticky Situation"!
One of life's little pleasures is sharing memories of days gone by with my son. I really enjoy telling him of the antics I pulled in school. In my elementary school career I received countless spankings, stood in the corner, sat in a chair while wearing a dunce cap, and put my nose in a circle on a chalk board. One of the pranks I pulled on many occasions was placing a tack in the chair of an unwary victim. It was fun watching their suprised expression and the dance performed following the painful stick from the tack's sharp point.
Apparently Ozzy overheard me laughing after sharing one of my exploits, so he decided it was his turn to pull one on his daddy. There was one particular afternoon spent working on a project at home. At one point I got up out of my chair for some reason, and while I was out of the room Ozzy went to work. I returned to my seat, plopped myself down, and was immediately jarred by an unimaginable pain in my backside. I jumped up, screaming in pain and dancing a jig that would have been the envy of the most seasoned perfomer. Meanwhile Ozzy is rolling on the floor laughing uncontrollably. When the dust settled I began pulling several sharp tacks out of my pants. I could understand one tack, but ten?... it was over the top.
I must admit Ozzy got me that time. Little does he know that payback will be a real pleasure. It will be swift, it will be righteous, and it will be without mercy!
Apparently Ozzy overheard me laughing after sharing one of my exploits, so he decided it was his turn to pull one on his daddy. There was one particular afternoon spent working on a project at home. At one point I got up out of my chair for some reason, and while I was out of the room Ozzy went to work. I returned to my seat, plopped myself down, and was immediately jarred by an unimaginable pain in my backside. I jumped up, screaming in pain and dancing a jig that would have been the envy of the most seasoned perfomer. Meanwhile Ozzy is rolling on the floor laughing uncontrollably. When the dust settled I began pulling several sharp tacks out of my pants. I could understand one tack, but ten?... it was over the top.
I must admit Ozzy got me that time. Little does he know that payback will be a real pleasure. It will be swift, it will be righteous, and it will be without mercy!
Friday, January 13, 2012
"Save the Remote Controls"!
I am not techno-wizard, and my collection of remote controls bears witness of my situation. Some are able to program one remote to control all their audio and video equipment... Not me! I have fifty remotes on the table next to my recliner. One in particular controls the sound system, and it is a sight to behold.
Although the other remotes are in good condition, this one has had a very difficult life. Every time I moved, stood up, sat down, or walked by it would fall with a plastic thud on the floor. None of my other remote controls have suffered like this one. It got so bad it had to be held together with Scotch tape and a rubber band.
A week ago my sound system remote finally gave up the ghost. Now I have to get out of the recliner to adjust the volume or change functions. Ozzy says it serves me right, and that no remote should have to go through that much abuse. He has been picking at me, and says he is going to start a shelter for misused, abused, and unloved remote controls. Ozzy is also hiding my other remotes, so I learn to be more respectful!
I didn't know electronic gadgets could be so sensitive.
Although the other remotes are in good condition, this one has had a very difficult life. Every time I moved, stood up, sat down, or walked by it would fall with a plastic thud on the floor. None of my other remote controls have suffered like this one. It got so bad it had to be held together with Scotch tape and a rubber band.
A week ago my sound system remote finally gave up the ghost. Now I have to get out of the recliner to adjust the volume or change functions. Ozzy says it serves me right, and that no remote should have to go through that much abuse. He has been picking at me, and says he is going to start a shelter for misused, abused, and unloved remote controls. Ozzy is also hiding my other remotes, so I learn to be more respectful!
I didn't know electronic gadgets could be so sensitive.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
"The Perfect Pass"!
It's obvious that Ozzy is officially on the Denver Broncos bandwagon. We were out in the yard yesterday, and while I was distracted I felt something hit me in the back of the head. Since the wind was blowing heavily I believed it to be debris from the trees. Suddenly I got tagged again in the same general area. I turned to see Ozzy preparing to throw another acorn at me. He had to throw his acorns in a tight window between trees. The way he puts it is he had to "Tebow it in there"!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Big Ben and Tim Tebow!
After Sunday night's big finish of the game between the Pittsburg Steelers and the Denver Broncos I kept the big screen tuned to the after-game interviews. Ozzy was in the bathroom and was unaware I had not changed the channel. Before the athletes stepped up to the microphones I sat through all the post game chatter. When it came time to question Tim Tebow, all televisions were tuned in to hear him speak.
Meanwhile, Ozzy stepped back into the living room, saw Tebow's hat, and though Tim was a Rapper. When I told Ozzy we weren't watching MTV, he giggled. "Ice! Ice! Baby!" Ozzy just couldn't keep quiet about that hat... And then Big Ben Rothlisberger appeared in front of the cameras, gangster hat and all. Ozzy shouted "Look Daddy... It's the GREEN HORNET"!
Three days later, and it's still funny. Yes, folks do wear some ridiculous attire, so why should NFL players be any different? Ozzy says he's waiting for someone to put on a clown suit!
Meanwhile, Ozzy stepped back into the living room, saw Tebow's hat, and though Tim was a Rapper. When I told Ozzy we weren't watching MTV, he giggled. "Ice! Ice! Baby!" Ozzy just couldn't keep quiet about that hat... And then Big Ben Rothlisberger appeared in front of the cameras, gangster hat and all. Ozzy shouted "Look Daddy... It's the GREEN HORNET"!
Three days later, and it's still funny. Yes, folks do wear some ridiculous attire, so why should NFL players be any different? Ozzy says he's waiting for someone to put on a clown suit!
Monday, January 9, 2012
"That's a big dog"!
Recently we had to deal with the loss of our Alaskan Malamute "Aurie". She was a gentle giant who loved her family and protected her home. Although she will never be replaced we realized we needed another large dog for security reasons. My wife suprised us a couple of days ago by bringing a Doberman home. We named her "Roxie", and she is identical to our Min-Pin "Chrissy" but much bigger.
Ozzy took one look at the size of this new "Min-Pin", and did not understand why she was so large. He wanted to know what she ate, and if he could get that big. I didn't have the heart to tell him she was a different breed of dog, and left him pondering the issue. Yesterday he came to me with his solution... Ozzy wants to try steroids!
I had to laugh, but I can't help but think about what this might do to him. It's hard for me to imagine a bulked-up Ozzy pumping iron in a gym, staring at himself in a mirror while flexing his muscles... On second thought, maybe it's not so far fetched!
Ozzy took one look at the size of this new "Min-Pin", and did not understand why she was so large. He wanted to know what she ate, and if he could get that big. I didn't have the heart to tell him she was a different breed of dog, and left him pondering the issue. Yesterday he came to me with his solution... Ozzy wants to try steroids!
I had to laugh, but I can't help but think about what this might do to him. It's hard for me to imagine a bulked-up Ozzy pumping iron in a gym, staring at himself in a mirror while flexing his muscles... On second thought, maybe it's not so far fetched!
Monday, January 2, 2012
College Football Bowl Games!
After taking some time off to enjoy family during the holidays, Ozzy is ready to start the New Year with an all-day college football bowl marathon. Remote control in hand (or paw), he plans to flip the big plasma screen back and forth between the South Carolina/Nebraska game and the Florida/Ohio State contest. This is his first bowl day with us, and he's getting the royal treatment. To Ozzy it probably seems like Christmas has spilled over into the New Year. So much hype leading up to the final games of the season... and don't forget the food!
It's twenty minutes until kick-off, Ozzy is chilled on the recliner, while I am in the kitchen preparing a plate of snacks for us to share. Summer sausage, sharp cheddar cheese slices and whole wheat Ritz crackers is a pre-game treat that's hard to beat. With plate in hand I join my little football buddy on the recliner. However, before I get to comfortable Ozzy says I forgot the liquid refreshments... he wants Koolaid.
I return to the kitchen to fetch our beverages, forgetting I left the snack plate at Ozzy's disposal. Before I finish pouring the drinks I hear Ozzy place a new order for more snacks. "If this is tailgating, I like it", he says. I, on the other hand, am starting to hate it!
It's twenty minutes until kick-off, Ozzy is chilled on the recliner, while I am in the kitchen preparing a plate of snacks for us to share. Summer sausage, sharp cheddar cheese slices and whole wheat Ritz crackers is a pre-game treat that's hard to beat. With plate in hand I join my little football buddy on the recliner. However, before I get to comfortable Ozzy says I forgot the liquid refreshments... he wants Koolaid.
I return to the kitchen to fetch our beverages, forgetting I left the snack plate at Ozzy's disposal. Before I finish pouring the drinks I hear Ozzy place a new order for more snacks. "If this is tailgating, I like it", he says. I, on the other hand, am starting to hate it!
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