Sunday, January 22, 2012

"Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall"!

Ozzy and I were enjoying a peaceful evening watching NFL football until we heard a loud crash from the back bedroom. Icalled out to make sure nobody was injured, then went back to watching the game. After several minutes passed Ozzy could not keep his curiousity in check. He just had to investigate, so he jumped off the recliner and eased down the hallway.

It didn't take long for Ozzy to find out what transpired, and he ran back up to the living room, laughing the whole way. My wife had broken a mirror, and although she told us she knocked it off the wall, Ozzy isn't buying it. He believes my wife was staring at her reflection while chanting the lines of the wicked Queen in "Snow White". Instead of answering her question, Ozzy says the mirror broke under the stress!

My little canine companion has never exerienced the fury of a woman scorned, but if he doesn't pipe down soon, he will discover what a REAL doghouse feels like!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

"Side Effects"!

My dog Ozzy and I were discussing the various drug advertisements on television. We found the messages were somewhat mixed. On the screen we observed actors portraying patients who apparently received a prescription for the meds and were living happy and productive lives with no complications. At the same time a narrator reads through a laundry list of side-effects that ranged from mild to horrific.

Ozzy began wondering what he might go through as a result of the vaccinations he has received from our local Vet's office. After pestering me relentlessly, I told him I would do a little research for him. I got on my computer and looked up "rabies vaccine". While I was reading the information I decided that a practical joke was in order (I can't help it). Trying to appear serious, I looked at Ozzy and shook my head. After giving him a bogus list of side-effects, the last thing I "quoted" was "In case of death, consult your veterinarian".

Ozzy is freaked... every few minutes he checks his pulse. I plan on letting him in on my little joke, but I think I'm going to milk this one just to pay him back for all the stuff he's pulled over on me!

Monday, January 16, 2012

"Sticky Situation"!

One of life's little pleasures is sharing memories of days gone by with my son. I really enjoy telling him of the antics I pulled in school. In my elementary school career I received countless spankings, stood in the corner, sat in a chair while wearing a dunce cap, and put my nose in a circle on a chalk board. One of the pranks I pulled on many occasions was placing a tack in the chair of an unwary victim. It was fun watching their suprised expression and the dance performed following the painful stick from the tack's sharp point.

Apparently Ozzy overheard me laughing after sharing one of my exploits, so he decided it was his turn to pull one on his daddy. There was one particular afternoon spent working on a project at home. At one point I got up out of my chair for some reason, and while I was out of the room Ozzy went to work. I returned to my seat, plopped myself down, and was immediately jarred by an unimaginable pain in my backside. I jumped up, screaming in pain and dancing a jig that would have been the envy of the most seasoned perfomer. Meanwhile Ozzy is rolling on the floor laughing uncontrollably. When the dust settled I began pulling several sharp tacks out of my pants. I could understand one tack, but ten?... it was over the top.

I must admit Ozzy got me that time. Little does he know that payback will be a real pleasure. It will be swift, it will be righteous, and it will be without mercy!

Friday, January 13, 2012

"Save the Remote Controls"!

I am not techno-wizard, and my collection of remote controls bears witness of my situation. Some are able to program one remote to control all their audio and video equipment... Not me! I have fifty remotes on the table next to my recliner. One in particular controls the sound system, and it is a sight to behold.

Although the other remotes are in good condition, this one has had a very difficult life. Every time I moved, stood up, sat down, or walked by it would fall with a plastic thud on the floor. None of my other remote controls have suffered like this one. It got so bad it had to be held together with Scotch tape and a rubber band.

A week ago my sound system remote finally gave up the ghost. Now I have to get out of the recliner to adjust the volume or change functions. Ozzy says it serves me right, and that no remote should have to go through that much abuse. He has been picking at me, and says he is going to start a shelter for misused, abused, and unloved remote controls. Ozzy is also hiding my other remotes, so I learn to be more respectful!

I didn't know electronic gadgets could be so sensitive.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

"The Perfect Pass"!

It's obvious that Ozzy is officially on the Denver Broncos bandwagon. We were out in the yard yesterday, and while I was distracted I felt something hit me in the back of the head. Since the wind was blowing heavily I believed it to be debris from the trees. Suddenly I got tagged again in the same general area. I turned to see Ozzy preparing to throw another acorn at me. He had to throw his acorns in a tight window between trees. The way he puts it is he had to "Tebow it in there"!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Big Ben and Tim Tebow!

After Sunday night's big finish of the game between the Pittsburg Steelers and the Denver Broncos I kept the big screen tuned to the after-game interviews. Ozzy was in the bathroom and was unaware I had not changed the channel. Before the athletes stepped up to the microphones I sat through all the post game chatter. When it came time to question Tim Tebow, all televisions were tuned in to hear him speak.

Meanwhile, Ozzy stepped back into the living room, saw Tebow's hat, and though Tim was a Rapper. When I told Ozzy we weren't watching MTV, he giggled. "Ice! Ice! Baby!" Ozzy just couldn't keep quiet about that hat... And then Big Ben Rothlisberger appeared in front of the cameras, gangster hat and all. Ozzy shouted "Look Daddy... It's the GREEN HORNET"!

Three days later, and it's still funny. Yes, folks do wear some ridiculous attire, so why should NFL players be any different? Ozzy says he's waiting for someone to put on a clown suit!

Monday, January 9, 2012

"That's a big dog"!

Recently we had to deal with the loss of our Alaskan Malamute "Aurie". She was a gentle giant who loved her family and protected her home. Although she will never be replaced we realized we needed another large dog for security reasons. My wife suprised us a couple of days ago by bringing a Doberman home. We named her "Roxie", and she is identical to our Min-Pin "Chrissy" but much bigger.

Ozzy took one look at the size of this new "Min-Pin", and did not understand why she was so large. He wanted to know what she ate, and if he could get that big. I didn't have the heart to tell him she was a different breed of dog, and left him pondering the issue. Yesterday he came to me with his solution... Ozzy wants to try steroids!

I had to laugh, but I can't help but think about what this might do to him. It's hard for me to imagine a bulked-up Ozzy pumping iron in a gym, staring at himself in a mirror while flexing his muscles... On second thought, maybe it's not so far fetched!

Monday, January 2, 2012

College Football Bowl Games!

After taking some time off to enjoy family during the holidays, Ozzy is ready to start the New Year with an all-day college football bowl marathon. Remote control in hand (or paw), he plans to flip the big plasma screen back and forth between the South Carolina/Nebraska game and the Florida/Ohio State contest. This is his first bowl day with us, and he's getting the royal treatment. To Ozzy it probably seems like Christmas has spilled over into the New Year. So much hype leading up to the final games of the season... and don't forget the food!

It's twenty minutes until kick-off, Ozzy is chilled on the recliner, while I am in the kitchen preparing a plate of snacks for us to share. Summer sausage, sharp cheddar cheese slices and whole wheat Ritz crackers is a pre-game treat that's hard to beat. With plate in hand I join my little football buddy on the recliner. However, before I get to comfortable Ozzy says I forgot the liquid refreshments... he wants Koolaid.

I return to the kitchen to fetch our beverages, forgetting I left the snack plate at Ozzy's disposal. Before I finish pouring the drinks I hear Ozzy place a new order for more snacks. "If this is tailgating, I like it", he says. I, on the other hand, am starting to hate it!