Wednesday, March 28, 2012

"Mythology Ain't All It's Krackened Up to Be"!

After watching the film "Clash of the Titans", my dog Ozzy went off on Greek Mythology. I listened intently as he ranted for several minutes. The following is an exerpt from Ozzy's speech.

"It's ridiculous what those poor ol' Greeks had to deal with a long time ago" he said. "Imagine putting up with a whole bunch of promiscuous deities that caused nothing but trouble. Especially Zeus, an egomaniac that couldn't leave earth chicks alone. And the brats called demigods with their freaky little powers... it's insane! Was the call to release the Kraken some sort of animal rights issue? Did they have that poor little fish monster locked up in a pet caddie, or what?"

"And who the "Hades" was "Medussa"? She'd have you speechless on the first date! The worst part is when a Greek croaked, somebody would have to place two coins on his eyeballs just to pay "Bob the Boatman" to cross the "River Stinks" just to spend eternity in an everlasting nightmare... The whole thing is enough to drive a dog insane!"

Ozzy said he's glad there ain't but one God, and He's alot nicer than those in the movie. How true, Ozzy... How true!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

"Too Hot to Handle"!

My wife can't put her coffee down without Ozzy finding it and lapping it up. It seems he can't resist the sweet, creamy Dunkin Donuts brew. Aggravated, she decided to fix his wagon one day by substituting salt for the usual raw sugar. One sip and his face twisted like a pretzel. She thought it was funny... he did not!

Earlier this evening Ozzy was in the kitchen cooking up some revenge. My wife loves hot and spicy foods, and is especially fond of those little green jalapenos. Ozzy snatched one out of a jar and began adding additional spices and other suprises for his payback recipe (I though I heard him mention battery acid as one of the ingredients). When he was through he needed tongs to handle the finished product, which he fondly refers to as his "Doomsday Pepper"!

This should be real interesting.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

"Psychos R Us"!

A stop at Walgreens isn't just for meds... they sell sea-salted cashews, peanuts, and the mixed variety. These snacks come in low salt as well, which is what I eat (Doctor's orders). When I get them home I have to hide them from the dogs. Otherwise, my stash disappears quickly.

Extra precautions are necessary due to my dog's uncanny ability to unscrew the lids and devour the contents. My problem is Ozzy knows my hiding places, so this trick does me little good. I thought I had finally stumped him, but yesterday I noticed my supply was running out faster than it should have been... Ozzy!

Although I had not actually seen him eating my snack, it had to be him. The answer was to watch him closely, and sure enough he found my new hiding place. But when was he eating them, and where was he stashing the goods? I tracked him to my hiding place. He was taking my goodies and hiding them in an old jewelry box. When I caught him carrying the box to his own hiding place I asked him "What's that?" His reply was "It's a nut-case!"

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

"Dubble Bubble Trubble"!

I let the canine crowd out for their evening outdoor romp. Everything was fine until they came back inside the house... we all caught it at the same time. "One of ya'll stinks", my wife said, holding her nose. After the others were eliminated, Ozzy was the stink-bug. I said he didn't know how it happened, but his cohorts let the cat out of the bag... it was the old dog rolling in a dead animal trick.

I started running the bath water, and Ozzy asked if he could have a bubble bath. I was considering a Pine Sol scrubbing, but gave in after he gave me the "sad eyes". My wife brought her luxury lavendar scented relaxation therapy bubble bath bottle to me, and I poured it in... perhaps a little too much. Ozzy dove in like a hyperactive child on raw sugar. Splash!

Forgetting the towel, I instructed Ozzy to behave himself while I grabbed one from the closet. When I returned to the bathroom he had already made a Santa Claus hat and bubbly beard. "Ho! Ho! Ho!", he yelled.

Yes, Ozzy was having a blast, and for a moment that horrible odor was gone. Unfortunately, the relaxation portion of the bubble bath worked all too well. A handfull of strange bubbles suddenly appeared... and I suddenly left the room!

I think I'll give it a few minutes!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

"Ter-Kee See-zun"!

This post's title says it all. Ozzy heard through the grapevine that Georgia's Turkey season opens this Saturday. Being the hunter he is, Ozzy is watching every turkey hunting program on the outdoor channels. He's even been strutting around the living room like a gobbler.

Even more interesting was his first reaction when he saw one of these magnificient birds on the big screen. He swore it was an overgrown chicken. After a heated discussion Ozzy finally conceded that I was correct (a first). Shortly after this he strolled into the kitchen and scribbled "Ter-kee See-zun on the March calendar... brilliant!

If you are searching for someone to prosecute for Ozzy's spelling prowess, don't look my direction. Truth is, he watches too many of those "Chick Fil-a" commercials... so you can blame those blasted cows!
those blasted cows!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

"Battery Terminal Generation"!

I was desperate. My motorcycle battery expired, thus I needed a replacement. The only recourse I had was to purchase one from WalMart. It was late evening as I arrived at a local store.

Upon reaching the isle I observed two young men searching through the motorcycle battery boxes. I thought I observed one of them taking items and concealing them in his closed hand. They left right after I reached their location. Unable to prove anything was taken, I took my time and found a replacement. I purchased the battery and traveled home.

My plan was to assemble the battery and charge it overnight. When I pulled the battery out of the box, I discovered important items were missing. The next day I returned to WalMart, and Customer Service allowed me to obtaing the missing items from the box of the same battery model. Once again I arrived home, and the items did not match my battery.

By this time Ozzy was upset. He wanted to go for a ride. He pondered the idea that theives were stealing and switching motorcycle battery parts, thus leaving honest customers with mix-and-match batteries. At this point he threatened to make a motorcyclist voodoo doll to exact revenge. "May all thier motorcycles die on a desolate highway on a hot day with no water, and absolutely NO cell phone signal (Do you hear me now?)!"

This is Ozzy's curse. All you theiving "Squids" (Squirrely Kid On a Motorcycle) beware. Ozzy's curse is upon you!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

"Boogie Nights"!

Lately my dogs have been playing some sort of "Musical Bowls" during their mealtime. I have to keep Roxie and Spazz away from the others so they can eat peacefully. One evening, after filling the dog's bowls, I served my family some good old home made vegetable beef soup. What happened next will live in our household lore for generations to come.

Ozzy was sitting on the couch as I was filling his dish. Fearing one of the others would get to his groceries before he did, Ozzy jumped face first into his bowl. Unfortunately he managed to get a dry dog food pellet stuck in his nostril. This sudden intruder sent him into a sneezing and coughing fit. When he gave the universal choking signal, Roxie tried the Heimlich manuever, but to no avail.

Unable to deal with this obstruction, Ozzy finally had all he could take. Placing his paw on the opposite nostril, he gave a sudden, violent blow. The pellet flew out of his nose, bounced off the cuckoo clock, and landed in one of the soup bowls.

It wasn't until we started eating that somebody said the meal felt more like Captain Crunch than regular soup... Yuck!

Monday, March 12, 2012

"My New Mother"!

Who would have ever figured THIS would happen? Our new dog Roxie (a Doberman) has adopted Ozzy as her puppy. The little brown dog has always complained about being the "odd dog out", but all that is in the past.

The strange part about this new alignment is he is older than she is... Roxie is less than a year old. I'm guessing this can be attributed to a combination of her much larger size and a Doberman's inclination to be protective. All this aside, it's fun to watch them play fight (it looks alot like David vs Behemoth) and sit side by side on the couch. She grooms him, cuddles with him, and if he gets out of line, she "herds" him to where he is supposed to be.

I am afraid Ozzy is trying to take full advantage of his new bodyguard. He uses his elevated position to irritate the others, then "runs to Momma" when they get after him. This morning he decided it was time to test uncharted waters. Since it is my job to feed the dogs each morning, I filled the dishes. However, Ozzy wanted Spazz's food. I told him to get to his own dish, but he flat-out refused and said "I ain't doin' it". When I scolded him he immediately ran to Roxie.

Unfortunately for Ozzy, Roxie knows who fills the feed dish. She told him to shut up and go eat out of his own food bowl. He pouted for about an hour, but eventually things got back to normal... If you could consider anything around here as "Normal"!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

"A Dish Best Served Cold"!

One of our little dogs named "Spazz" is a Min-Pin who eats anything and everything. No matter how hard we try to keep her on diet dog food, she has a knack for finding groceries (even consuming bugs out in the yard). She's the bully of the pack, often knocking the others off their food bowls unless we are there to intervene. By Ozzy's reckoning, this has gone on long enough.

I can't tell you how many times we have come home to find the food pantry broken into and items snatched off of shelves we thought a small dog couldn't reach. What's even more difficult to believe is Spazz's ability to open jars. On this particular day we arrived home to find a doggie medicine bottle opened and it's contents ravaged. How this happened is quite humorous.

Ozzy has put up with Spazz's aggressive food fetish for too long. After we left for church this morning the dogs began their usual promiscuous behaviour. Spazz hit the food pantry, unsuccesfully this time. Meanwhile Ozzy jumped from the back of my recliner onto the kitchen counter where he found a bottle full of doggie antibiotics. After reading the contents he studied the side effects. One in particular grabbed his attention, and sensing a chance for some revenge he tossed the bottle to Spazz. She didn't even bother to read the label, she just cracked open the bottle and dug in.

When we arrived home and made our discovery, a quick investigation revealed what had occured. Curious, I asked Ozzy what prompted him to do such a thing. He told me it was payback for being bullied at the feed tray. When I picked up the empty bottle and read the label, one side effect caught my attention... "Product may cause explosive diarrhea"!

As I write this Ozzy is watching Spazz and grinning from ear to ear... still waiting!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

"Bigfoot and Barbecue"!

Animal Planet ran a "Finding Bigfoot" marathon the other day. You folks might not understand, but this is nigh unto a Super Bowl celebration to Ozzy. He insisted that I provide a barbecue blow-out for the occasion. Barbecue pork, barbecue chicken, and Ozzy's favorite, Barbecue Baked Beans... Game On!

It didn't take long for the Bigfooters to hit the woods, while Ozzy scarfed down a huge bowl of baked beans (it was his third). The marathon was going to last several hours, and he didn't want to miss a single minute (I wished he would have waited until AFTER the shows were over). However, it wasn't long before things began to get interesting.

First,the foursome tried to imitate a bigfoot with their ridiculous "calls" (Ozzy said they sounded more like a Redneck searching for a date). Then, on one episode "BoBo" said Squatches were attracted to sing-alongs. We thought it was a joke until they actually tried to lure in a bigfoot while picking guitars and singing "We Are the World" around a campfire... and it only got worse.

The final episode of the evening Ozzy and I sat in amazement as the "researchers" claimed that Squatches can't resist fireworks. They actually set up a fake campsite, complete with "dummies" fully dressed and sitting in chairs. Meanwhile, the real "dummies" proceeded up to the top of the hill, and let loose with a Fourth-of-July style extravaganza.

Both of us sat there with a puzzled look on our barbecue stained faces. After using everything they could to lure a bigfoot, I wondered out loud what they might try next. That's when Ozzy came up with a brilliant suggestion..."By any chance would you have a match?", he asked.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

"Bad Back Club"!

It's somewhat of a joke in my circle concerning those that have back problems due to ruptured or degenerated discs... we call it the "Bad Back Club". It is certainly no laughing matter when back spasms erupt, as these episodes can go on for several days, if not weeks. In my particular case, when a simple movement causes my back to seize up, I can barely move.

Last Friday I bent over to pick up a set of keys, and that's all it took. I couldn'g recover from my stooped position, and it's been that way since. This morning I spent several minutes trying to get myself in motion. When I was able to stand upright (although slightly bent to the left) I walked into the kitchen. I was unaware that Ozzy was mimicking my steps until I heard him moaning. He was imitating my every move and sound, slightly exagerated I might add.

I told Ozzy it wasn't funny. He seems to think it is. His loud moans made sounded like labor pains (I don't think I'm THAT bad). Besides the noises, there he stood on his hind legs, back stooped over, with one paw reaching around to hold his lumbar spine. It was actually quite humorous intil he called me an "In-valid"!

It's nice to know that if things go wrong, someone like Ozzy has got my back.... Literally!

Monday, March 5, 2012


I am not sure what channel we were tuned into, but it was late at night and I was dozing off. I did wake up at one point, and Ozzy was glued to a 1-900-livechicks tv ad. I nearly had to glue his eyes back into the sockets. I was wrong to believe I could settle him down and make him forget what he saw. After a brief lecture, I dozed off again.

When I came to, Ozzy was no longer sitting with me in my chair. I looked around the room to see if he was settled on another chair, but no such luck. Just then I heard someone talking, and the voice was coming from down the hallway. I followed the sound to the bathroom. I opened the door, and there sat Ozzy with the phone stuck to his ear.

As you might have guessed, Ozzy had some bimbo on the other end of the line. I have never heard a dog talk as much trash as my little pal. The poetry that rolled off his tongue would have made Shakespear envious. Unaware of my evesdropping, I startled him when I made my presence known. He quickly said goodbye, and hung up the phone.

"I think she loves me", he said. I had a difficult time convincing him these girls are paid to keep suckers like him engaged in conversation. He didn't believe me until I showed him the phone bill. "Uh-Oh", he said. Ozzy has promised never to do that again. Sworn oath aside, I am somewhat afraid to recieve next month's phone statement.

When it comes to the ladies, Ozzy is pretty weak!