Wednesday, February 29, 2012

"Mystic Peet-zuh"!

Ozzy wanted to watch "HUGO" on the pay-per-view channel, so I grabbed my wife's cell phone and ordered via text messaging. The movie was playing on several channels, and a new showing started every thirty minutes, so we had a break before the next one began. I suggested we watch something else prior to the start of the flick, but Ozzy didn't want to take a chance we might lose track of time. Besides, he likes watching the little blue "donuts" moving across the screen on Directv's programing.

About 15 minutes before "HUGO" began, Ozzy got the bright idea to order a pizza. I told him to make the call since I had my foot brace on and was already kicked back in the recliner. He marched into the kitchen and grabbed the phone book and looked through the Yellow Pages for Domino's. His search would be an exercise in frustration.

After several minutes Ozzy became irritated. He said he couldn't find "pizza" listed anywhere in the phonebook. At one point I heard him slam the thing on the floor. I asked him to bring it to me, and I found it immediately. Looking puzzled, Ozzy said the spelling didn't make sense. He wanted to know why it was spelled with "z's" instead of the way it is pronounced. "It should be spelled "Peet-zuh", he said. I tried to explain to him why some words are spelled stangely... knife, Chevrolet, gnat, etc. "That's just stupid", he said.

In the end we finally ordered our "peet-zuh". After he settled into the recliner Ozzy told me that they better deliver it within thirty minutes, or else!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

"The Practical Joke"!

I thought it was funny at first, but found myself accused for Ozzy's antics. My teenage son Jake had fallen into a deep sleep on the recliner while watching a "Jesse Stone" episode on the big screen. His situation was a bit much for the little brown min-pin to resist. Ozzy said "watch this", and tip-toed over to a stack of kindling wood next to the fire place. What happened next left me in stitches, and then in trouble.

Ozzy grabbed a long, skinny twig from the fireplace, and eased over to the recliner. With the stealth of a ninja, he jumped up onto the recliner's footrest, then slithered up to the arm of the chair. Twig in hand, or paw, he began tickling Jake's face. I watched as my son would gently brush at the "bug" which agravated him while he slept. A tickle would be followed with a rub or scratch, and Ozzy would giggle like a little school girl. It was actually quite amusing at the time.

This scenario continued for about two minutes, but the last tickle was too much for the twilight teenager to handle. Ozzy gently guided the twig under Jake's nose, and with all the force one would expect from a kid that benches 360-plus pounds, Jake smaked himself right in the the face. The sudden impact aroused sleeping beauty, and as he was gathering his wits, Ozzy evacuated the chair, tossed the twig in my lap, and disappeared.

Needless to say, Jake was not happy, I recieved credit, and Ozzy could be heard snickering from the far end of the hallway. Although Jake believes I am lying, this was one of those rare ocassions that it was appropriate to blame the dog!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

'Milkbone Economy"!

It's hard to grasp the concept of national debt in Trillions. Ozzy was asking me to explain why we are in so deep, and what "trillion" means. In an attempt to put this into perspective, I shared the following equation.

I told Ozzy to imagine I owed money to him, and I promised to pay him after ONE MILLION seconds had transpired. At that rate, he would be reimbursed in 12 DAYS. If I told him I would pay him back in ONE BILLION seconds, it would take 32 YEARS. If It took ONE TRILLION seconds, Ozzy would have to wait 32,000 YEARS!

Still trying to get his little head around this, Ozzy asked me to calculate ONE TRILLION in doggie treats!

I'm still working on it!

Monday, February 20, 2012

"Ozzy's Revenge"!

I turned my head for a brief moment, and then it happened. I heard the car tires squall on the road in front of our house, and I knew it wasn't good. The car then sped off, and I heard my little dog Chrissy crying for me to come get her. She was the victim of a hit-and-run. The incident left her with a broken pelvis, and she is in surgery as I write this blog. The Doc says she should be fine, but her rehab will take some time.

If I hit a dog, I would stop to see if it was alright, and try to help if the animal is injured. If it happens in front of someone's home, I would see if the dog belonged to the owner. I couln't just leave the dog helpless on the highway. Apparently some folks do not care.

Ozzy is angry that someone would do this to his pal. It's taken every effort on my part to calm him down. At one point he wanted to call in his bloodhound friends to pick up the trail and track the culprit to his house. When I asked him what he would do if he located the perp, and his answer was short but simple... "Pain"!

You Go, Ozzy!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

"Divine Intervention"!

While I was in the kitchen fixing a cup of coffee, I happened to look across the counter into the living room. Ozzy was staring into the television. This seem normal, but the TV was off. At first I thought he wanted to watch something, but when I went to turn it on he told me to wait a minute more. It took me a moment to figure things out.

My little brown dog was admiring his reflection in the blank screen. I asked him if he was finished. Finally, after another minute of staring into the the TV, Ozzy said that he was living proof of "Intelligent Design"!

And I thought I'd heard it all.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

"Dog Show"!

Ozzy didn't want to move. I, on the other hand, had to leave my comfortable recliner to fix him a large bowl of popcorn. He was settled in for the evening, his eyes fastened to the Plasma Screen, unable to even blink. Staring at the spectacle with all the wonder of a child at Christmas, Ozzy witnessed his first televised Dog Show.

However, I find this about as interesting as a "Miss America Pagent" or one of those ridiculous interior decorator reality programs. Boring! I regret promising Ozzy he could watch anything he wanted if he sat through FOX News yesterday. Now I am stuck with Fido and Fifi live and in color. It doesn't help my situation watching my dog drool over the "chicks".

The finalists are lining up for one last walk in front of the judges, then we'll see who gets a blue ribbon. Glancing over to see what Ozzy is doing at this moment, and he is on a cell phone sending and receiving text messaging. Unaware he was a multi-tasker, I asked what he who he was talking to. Apparently he and some of the neighboring dogs are placing bets as to who will win the ultimate prize. What's worse is I discovered they are betting their "Daddies".

Well, it's time for me to go. It looks like just Ozzy lost me to the poodle just up the road. I hope my new family is rich!

Monday, February 13, 2012

"The Tooth Fairy!"

Ozzy begged all evening this past Saturday, and upon tiring of hearing him whine, I caved. The issue involves his channel surfing with the remote and what he turned up in the pay-per-view listing. Ozzy came across a flick that peaked his curiousity called "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark". The term "malevolent creatures" was something he could relate to. My wife ordered the movie using her cell phone, and we settled in to watch.

The movie is about a homeowner whose basement held small gremlin-like critters that are portrayed as the tooth fairies of legend. Most of us played this game as children. When we lost teeth, we placed them under the pillow and recieved coins in exchange. I always pictured something like a "Tinkerbell" character. Ozzy thought the tooth fairy looked like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. However, the fairies in the movie were anything but benevolent. If I had this information when I was young, I would have thrown my teeth in the trash.

These hideous critters got loose from the basment, and were all over the house, under beds, on shelves, in the bathroom, and they wreaked destroyed everything they touched. They used scissors, knives, razor blades, and other items to wreak havoc. It was so awful that Ozzy had a difficult time getting to sleep Saturday night. He insisted we look under the furniture, in every closet, and behind every door. Ozzy also had us check to make sure we hadn't lost any teeth!

I actually considered playing a little joke on him last night. If I only had a set of dentures... :>)

Friday, February 10, 2012

"Ozzy vs The Doberman!"

Since taking on the responsiblity of another canine, the battle for "Top Dog" in the pack pecking order has taken on a more intense demeanor. Our new Doberman pup "Roxie" is still growing. Although she is clumsy she towers over the smaller, more nimble min-pins. These sawed-off masteminds have found that strength-in-numbers is a better alternative than going one-on-one with a much larger animal. However, somebody forgot to teach this strategy to Ozzy!

To prevent Roxie from chewing on the house, I bought her a large beef bone from Tractor Supply. It is the nearly the same size and weight of the small dogs. Yesterday Ozzy grabbed the big bone by it's end and dragged it from the living room and under the kitchen table so he could knaw on it in peace. Upon discovering her bone was no longer in her posession, Roxie followed the sounds of min-pin ecstasy to Ozzy's "safe" location.

At first the confrontation was a Mexican stand-off. For several minutes young Roxie was trying to figure out a way to quietly relieve Ozzy of the bone. Unable to do so, she resorted to a more agressive stategy. Lunging at the oposite end of the bone she attempted a sort of "snatch and grab", but Ozzy was determined to hang on to his loot. He manueverd the large treat under a chair, making it more difficult for Roxie to find an opening. Desperate, Roxie finally threw caution to the wind and engaged in a no-holds-barred assault. What was once a small exchange of growls and low-intensity barks suddenly became World War III!

From my perch in the living room I heard the noise of battle as the table rocked and chairs flew in the kitchen. Ozzy provided a defense that would have impressed stategists at the US Military Academy. I would never have imagined my little brown buddy would be able to keep the much larger Doberman from gaining the upper hand in this duel, but Ozzy used cover and terrain to his advantage. After several minutes watching this confrontation, I heard Ozzy scream "Woman, go get your own chewy treat... This one's mine!"

At this point it was necessary to step in and negotiate a settlement. Roxie would be required to stand down, and in return she recieved a handful of Milk Bone Dog Treats. Both dogs could live with this compromise, or so I thought. I dropped the treats on the floor in front of Roxie and went back to my activities. A moment later Roxie let out a quiet moan, and I looked over my shoulder in time to see Ozzy trotting back to his place under the kitchen table with a Milk Bone Treat.

After all my efforts, it turns out I have raised a little trucebreaker and a thief!

Thursday, February 9, 2012


I thought I heard a horrific scream coming from the bathroom this morning. I was standing in my kitchen working feverishly to prepare the Gevalia coffee maker for it's daily task. It was just too early for me to deal with life's little problems, or at least until I had the intitial burst of caffiene coursing through my veins. In the moments before I achieve this important goal, I wander around like a living Zombie, unable to function or think clearly.

Anyway, back to the scream. I ignored the first one, but the second shriek was more than I could deal with. I figured I should look into the situation before it reached life-or-death status. I clumslily stumbled down the hallway, peered into the bathroom, and there is Ozzy standing on a stool and staring into the mirror with a look of horror on his little face.

When I asked him what was wrong, he pointed at his nose and asked "Do you see it?". I could barely focus, and I didn't have my reading glasses. I told him "No", so he put his nose right in my face... "Do you see it now"? "See What"?, I asked. "The Zit!", he responded. "It's right here on my nose, and it's been staring back at me through the mirror!" I honestly couldn't see a thing, but in order to pacify my little dog, I told him to just scratch it off.

As one could imagine, Ozzy wasn't satisfied with my suggestion. He is worried to death the side-effectsof his "teenage years" are beginning to show. Now I am dealing with a panicked pooch who is searching the Proactive website and trying to sneak my credit card from my wallet (he's still freaked!).

Thursday, February 2, 2012

"Chain Saw Massacre"!

Wood burning stoves are great during cold weather, but real work when obtaining fuel for the season. I was running low on firewood, and since a freak storm blew a couple of whiteoak trees down in our backyard, I put gas in the chain saw and went to work. Fifteen minutes into my project I had to manuever a piece of wood for easier cutting, which required me to set the saw on the ground next to me. In hindsight I should have shut the thing off.

Unaware tha Ozzy was close by, as I was working he grabbed the still-running chain saw and simultaneously sqeezed the throttle. Since the saw weighs more than Ozzy, you can figure out which one had the upper hand. The saw revved, the chain dug into the ground, and then took off through the woods, Ozzy still hanging on and screaming for his life. It sounded like a bumble bee on steroids as it tore down the hill and out of sight. When he finally let go, the runaway chain saw idled for a few seconds, and then gave up the ghost.

The good news is Ozay survived this episode, and although the chain saw is a little worse for wear, his Paul Bunyon moment is probably a one-and-done deal.