"Mythology Ain't All It's Krackened Up to Be"!

After watching the film "Clash of the Titans", my dog Ozzy went off on Greek Mythology. I listened intently as he ranted for several minutes. The following is an exerpt from Ozzy's speech.

"It's ridiculous what those poor ol' Greeks had to deal with a long time ago" he said. "Imagine putting up with a whole bunch of promiscuous deities that caused nothing but trouble. Especially Zeus, an egomaniac that couldn't leave earth chicks alone. And the brats called demigods with their freaky little powers... it's insane! Was the call to release the Kraken some sort of animal rights issue? Did they have that poor little fish monster locked up in a pet caddie, or what?"

"And who the "Hades" was "Medussa"? She'd have you speechless on the first date! The worst part is when a Greek croaked, somebody would have to place two coins on his eyeballs just to pay "Bob the Boatman" to cross the "River Stinks" just to spend eternity in an everlasting nightmare... The whole thing is enough to drive a dog insane!"

Ozzy said he's glad there ain't but one God, and He's alot nicer than those in the movie. How true, Ozzy... How true!

"Too Hot to Handle"!

My wife can't put her coffee down without Ozzy finding it and lapping it up. It seems he can't resist the sweet, creamy Dunkin Donuts brew. Aggravated, she decided to fix his wagon one day by substituting salt for the usual raw sugar. One sip and his face twisted like a pretzel. She thought it was funny... he did not!

Earlier this evening Ozzy was in the kitchen cooking up some revenge. My wife loves hot and spicy foods, and is especially fond of those little green jalapenos. Ozzy snatched one out of a jar and began adding additional spices and other suprises for his payback recipe (I though I heard him mention battery acid as one of the ingredients). When he was through he needed tongs to handle the finished product, which he fondly refers to as his "Doomsday Pepper"!

This should be real interesting.

"Psychos R Us"!

A stop at Walgreens isn't just for meds... they sell sea-salted cashews, peanuts, and the mixed variety. These snacks come in low salt as well, which is what I eat (Doctor's orders). When I get them home I have to hide them from the dogs. Otherwise, my stash disappears quickly.

Extra precautions are necessary due to my dog's uncanny ability to unscrew the lids and devour the contents. My problem is Ozzy knows my hiding places, so this trick does me little good. I thought I had finally stumped him, but yesterday I noticed my supply was running out faster than it should have been... Ozzy!

Although I had not actually seen him eating my snack, it had to be him. The answer was to watch him closely, and sure enough he found my new hiding place. But when was he eating them, and where was he stashing the goods? I tracked him to my hiding place. He was taking my goodies and hiding them in an old jewelry box. When I caught him carrying the box to his own hiding place I asked him "What's that?" His reply was "It's a nut-case!"

"Dubble Bubble Trubble"!

I let the canine crowd out for their evening outdoor romp. Everything was fine until they came back inside the house... we all caught it at the same time. "One of ya'll stinks", my wife said, holding her nose. After the others were eliminated, Ozzy was the stink-bug. I said he didn't know how it happened, but his cohorts let the cat out of the bag... it was the old dog rolling in a dead animal trick.

I started running the bath water, and Ozzy asked if he could have a bubble bath. I was considering a Pine Sol scrubbing, but gave in after he gave me the "sad eyes". My wife brought her luxury lavendar scented relaxation therapy bubble bath bottle to me, and I poured it in... perhaps a little too much. Ozzy dove in like a hyperactive child on raw sugar. Splash!

Forgetting the towel, I instructed Ozzy to behave himself while I grabbed one from the closet. When I returned to the bathroom he had already made a Santa Claus hat and bubbly beard. "Ho! Ho! Ho!", he yelled.

Yes, Ozzy was having a blast, and for a moment that horrible odor was gone. Unfortunately, the relaxation portion of the bubble bath worked all too well. A handfull of strange bubbles suddenly appeared... and I suddenly left the room!

I think I'll give it a few minutes!

"Ter-Kee See-zun"!

This post's title says it all. Ozzy heard through the grapevine that Georgia's Turkey season opens this Saturday. Being the hunter he is, Ozzy is watching every turkey hunting program on the outdoor channels. He's even been strutting around the living room like a gobbler.

Even more interesting was his first reaction when he saw one of these magnificient birds on the big screen. He swore it was an overgrown chicken. After a heated discussion Ozzy finally conceded that I was correct (a first). Shortly after this he strolled into the kitchen and scribbled "Ter-kee See-zun on the March calendar... brilliant!

If you are searching for someone to prosecute for Ozzy's spelling prowess, don't look my direction. Truth is, he watches too many of those "Chick Fil-a" commercials... so you can blame those blasted cows!
those blasted cows!

"Battery Terminal Generation"!

I was desperate. My motorcycle battery expired, thus I needed a replacement. The only recourse I had was to purchase one from WalMart. It was late evening as I arrived at a local store.

Upon reaching the isle I observed two young men searching through the motorcycle battery boxes. I thought I observed one of them taking items and concealing them in his closed hand. They left right after I reached their location. Unable to prove anything was taken, I took my time and found a replacement. I purchased the battery and traveled home.

My plan was to assemble the battery and charge it overnight. When I pulled the battery out of the box, I discovered important items were missing. The next day I returned to WalMart, and Customer Service allowed me to obtaing the missing items from the box of the same battery model. Once again I arrived home, and the items did not match my battery.

By this time Ozzy was upset. He wanted to go for a ride. He pondered the idea that theives were stealing and switching motorcycle battery parts, thus leaving honest customers with mix-and-match batteries. At this point he threatened to make a motorcyclist voodoo doll to exact revenge. "May all thier motorcycles die on a desolate highway on a hot day with no water, and absolutely NO cell phone signal (Do you hear me now?)!"

This is Ozzy's curse. All you theiving "Squids" (Squirrely Kid On a Motorcycle) beware. Ozzy's curse is upon you!

"Boogie Nights"!

Lately my dogs have been playing some sort of "Musical Bowls" during their mealtime. I have to keep Roxie and Spazz away from the others so they can eat peacefully. One evening, after filling the dog's bowls, I served my family some good old home made vegetable beef soup. What happened next will live in our household lore for generations to come.

Ozzy was sitting on the couch as I was filling his dish. Fearing one of the others would get to his groceries before he did, Ozzy jumped face first into his bowl. Unfortunately he managed to get a dry dog food pellet stuck in his nostril. This sudden intruder sent him into a sneezing and coughing fit. When he gave the universal choking signal, Roxie tried the Heimlich manuever, but to no avail.

Unable to deal with this obstruction, Ozzy finally had all he could take. Placing his paw on the opposite nostril, he gave a sudden, violent blow. The pellet flew out of his nose, bounced off the cuckoo clock, and landed in one of the soup bowls.

It wasn't until we started eating that somebody said the meal felt more like Captain Crunch than regular soup... Yuck!