My dog Ozzy has been fascinated by the end-time predictions of the Mayans and other prognosticators. The one item they have in common has to do with events in the solar system and a certain alignment of stars and planets said to bring about dramatic changes on earth. The following story is a result of a certain pooch's end-of-the-world imagination gone haywire.
About thirty minutes ago our quiet evening was interrupted by Ozzy barking and screaming, "It's happening! It's the end of the world"! He had been standing on top of our kitchen table looking out the window into the darkness, and he witnessed a spectacle that set him off. He ran to the couch and hid under a blanket. He claimed he saw the stars moving and realigning to fulfill the terrifying prediction he learned about on the History Channel. I walked over to the window, looked out, and saw nothing. "What are you talking about, Ozzy?" He ran back and jumped up on the kitchen table, pointed out the window, and said "See those lights moving around out there?" After that he ran back to the couch, climbed under the blanket again, and cried "It's the end of the world"!
It took me a moment, but I finally realized he what he was seeing; "Those aren't stars, Chicken Little... those are lightning bugs." Ozzy eased out from under the blanket, walked over and jumped up on the table, and starred out the window. After a minute of thought and observation, he shook his head and said "Nostradamis never mentioned anything about lightning bugs".
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
15 Pound Meteorologist!
My wife accuses me of being hypersensitive when it comes to small, helpless creatures, and my dog Ozzy has picked up on this. I must first inform you that I suffer from chronic back pain due to time in military service. Changing weather patterns can have a dramatic effect on the severity of my discomfort. Ozzy overheard a recent comment that I can sense an approaching front and other weather phenomena, and is using this to his advantage.
Just the other day Ozzy was moaning about his "arthritis" flaring up, and said he needed to relax on the couch. After I made him comfortable, he asked me to get the tv remote for him. He claims he would have done it himself, but the possibility of afternoon thundershowers caused too much pain. I thought this to be a strange comment. Later that evening he said he could "feel" the 10-15 mph wiind gusts in Kansas, and suggested a bowl of ice cream might help ease his suffering. He was playing me like a banjo.
However, Ozzy's little scheme unravelled yesterday. When I returned from the doctor's office I walked up to the door, and as I fumbled with my keys I could hear theWeather Channel on the television. I opened the door and walked in, only to find the tv turned off, and Ozzy sitting in my recliner whinning about the pain he was experiencing due to the "partly cloudy skies in Pensacola, Florida". Then he looked up at me with his sad-sack expression and said another bowl of ice cream should alleviate his suffering.
Busted!
Just the other day Ozzy was moaning about his "arthritis" flaring up, and said he needed to relax on the couch. After I made him comfortable, he asked me to get the tv remote for him. He claims he would have done it himself, but the possibility of afternoon thundershowers caused too much pain. I thought this to be a strange comment. Later that evening he said he could "feel" the 10-15 mph wiind gusts in Kansas, and suggested a bowl of ice cream might help ease his suffering. He was playing me like a banjo.
However, Ozzy's little scheme unravelled yesterday. When I returned from the doctor's office I walked up to the door, and as I fumbled with my keys I could hear theWeather Channel on the television. I opened the door and walked in, only to find the tv turned off, and Ozzy sitting in my recliner whinning about the pain he was experiencing due to the "partly cloudy skies in Pensacola, Florida". Then he looked up at me with his sad-sack expression and said another bowl of ice cream should alleviate his suffering.
Busted!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Weekend Is Over, Ozzy Is Back!
After a weekend of mental and physical R&R, my dog Ozzy is once again prepared to take on the world. I did not allow him to attend the visit to my podiatrist today, after the difficult time he gave me following the last one. He taunts me enough here at the house without having to deal with his abuse at the doctor's office as well.
When I arrived home Ozzy met me at the door, and he immediately started harassing me about today's appointment and my leaving him at home. One of his smart comments was that I was going to the wrong kind of doctor, and that my foot pain was all in my head. He suggested I take a better look at the list of physicians in the Yellow Pages, and I would notice just past the listings of podiatrists I would find psychiatrists, which he says is what I really need. Ozzy also claims that if diagnosed properly, the wardrobe in my closet would probably include a straight-jacket.
Man's best friend can be a real encouragement.
When I arrived home Ozzy met me at the door, and he immediately started harassing me about today's appointment and my leaving him at home. One of his smart comments was that I was going to the wrong kind of doctor, and that my foot pain was all in my head. He suggested I take a better look at the list of physicians in the Yellow Pages, and I would notice just past the listings of podiatrists I would find psychiatrists, which he says is what I really need. Ozzy also claims that if diagnosed properly, the wardrobe in my closet would probably include a straight-jacket.
Man's best friend can be a real encouragement.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Immitation: The Best Form of Foolishness!
You should see my dog Ozzy when he is entertianing us with immitations of various people or animals he has seen in his life. Last week he was acting out the movements and sounds of a Grizzly Bear. One night our sleep was disturbed by a series of moans and groans which led me to believe someone in our family had suddenly become terribly sick. It was Ozzy, and with a sheepish grin said "Humback Whale song". He can chirp and flap his front legs like a bird, and hiss like a cat. I especially enjoy his face distorting, cheeks puffing, and his mouth opening and closing as he mimics a Sea Bass. Who new what was coming?
This morning I was sitting in my recliner enjoying a cup of coffee and a time of reading and personal reflection. The tranquility was interrupted by what I perceived as a low-octave, two-note tune that sounded strangely familiar. A slight movement caught my eye, as I noticed Ozzy was slithering across the floor in a snake-like motion (he looked like the Grinch). Leaving Ozzy to entertain himself, I went back to reading. I should have payed better attention. Moments later, Ozzy launched himself off the floor, his mouth wide open, and bit me square on my big toe. I sreamed "OUCH! What in the world?". Ozzy let go of my toe, and ran down the hallway with a sinister giggle shouting "Shark Week"!
My big toe STILL hurts!
This morning I was sitting in my recliner enjoying a cup of coffee and a time of reading and personal reflection. The tranquility was interrupted by what I perceived as a low-octave, two-note tune that sounded strangely familiar. A slight movement caught my eye, as I noticed Ozzy was slithering across the floor in a snake-like motion (he looked like the Grinch). Leaving Ozzy to entertain himself, I went back to reading. I should have payed better attention. Moments later, Ozzy launched himself off the floor, his mouth wide open, and bit me square on my big toe. I sreamed "OUCH! What in the world?". Ozzy let go of my toe, and ran down the hallway with a sinister giggle shouting "Shark Week"!
My big toe STILL hurts!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Hyperactive!
Nothing beats a good cup of coffee, especially to get one going in the morning, or enjoying the freshly-brewed "elixir of life" after a fine meal. It allows one to settle in for the evening and enjoy the peace and quiet that follows a busy day. If you are like me and cannot resist drinking your favorite brand of Java, just make sure to follow one important tip: Close your doors, lock your windows, check in every closet, and look under every bed... there just might be a dog named Ozzy under there.
After I poured my coffee, I added my favorite creamer and two teaspoons of raw sugar. Unfortunately, my day was not over, as my wife required a search party to locate her missing MP3 player. I made the mistake of placing my drink in a place that Ozzy could easily get to. He put all 15 pounds into sucking down the rest of the cup. When I returned to my empty container, I looked at my little pal, who was giving me a complete look of ignorance. He said he didn't know what happened to the rest of the coffee.
Fifteen minutes later, the truth was revealed as the brew began to show its affects. No matter how comfortable Ozzy tried to get, no matter how hard he tried to nap, his eyes steadily grew to the size of large marbles. Shortly after, he began running around the living room and bouncing off the walls, stopping only to plead and beg to be let for what he said was an emergency. I think he doused every tree in the front yard. He came back in, and ten minutes later, he had to go back out and douse the trees in the back yard. It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out the identity of the Java Theif... it took him four hours to regain his composure. From now on it's decaf for Ozzy!
After I poured my coffee, I added my favorite creamer and two teaspoons of raw sugar. Unfortunately, my day was not over, as my wife required a search party to locate her missing MP3 player. I made the mistake of placing my drink in a place that Ozzy could easily get to. He put all 15 pounds into sucking down the rest of the cup. When I returned to my empty container, I looked at my little pal, who was giving me a complete look of ignorance. He said he didn't know what happened to the rest of the coffee.
Fifteen minutes later, the truth was revealed as the brew began to show its affects. No matter how comfortable Ozzy tried to get, no matter how hard he tried to nap, his eyes steadily grew to the size of large marbles. Shortly after, he began running around the living room and bouncing off the walls, stopping only to plead and beg to be let for what he said was an emergency. I think he doused every tree in the front yard. He came back in, and ten minutes later, he had to go back out and douse the trees in the back yard. It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out the identity of the Java Theif... it took him four hours to regain his composure. From now on it's decaf for Ozzy!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Ozzy's Babes!
My office work was interrupted a few days ago from what sounded like "Oooos", "Aaaaahs", and "Oh, Yeahs" from the great room. I had to investigate, and sure enough, my dog Ozzy was the source. He was chilled on the couch watching TV while eating a bowl of ice cream.
At first I thought his noises were from the sheer pleasure of his tasty treat; it was not. Panning from the couch to the big screen, I noticed he was watching Fox News. Ozzy became infatuated with what he described as the "fine babes" who serve as anchors for the network. It is sad that my dog can't even watch the news without drooling over the chicks, so I grabbed the remote and hit the channel change button... the Weather Channel wasn't much help either. "Oooo, weather babes" he said. At that point Ozzy lost his television priviledges for the remainder of the day.
The sad part is, we were thinking of taking him on a family beach trip at some point in the future. If Ozzy is going to lose it over news chicks and weather babes, how do you think he would act at the beach?
At first I thought his noises were from the sheer pleasure of his tasty treat; it was not. Panning from the couch to the big screen, I noticed he was watching Fox News. Ozzy became infatuated with what he described as the "fine babes" who serve as anchors for the network. It is sad that my dog can't even watch the news without drooling over the chicks, so I grabbed the remote and hit the channel change button... the Weather Channel wasn't much help either. "Oooo, weather babes" he said. At that point Ozzy lost his television priviledges for the remainder of the day.
The sad part is, we were thinking of taking him on a family beach trip at some point in the future. If Ozzy is going to lose it over news chicks and weather babes, how do you think he would act at the beach?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Next Round's on Ozzy!
If you have a dog, chances are you have seen your pet drink from sources other than that expensive water station you purchased. Ozzy is no different, and when he builds a thirst, a little variety adds some spice to his life.
I had some yard work to do, so I put on my work clothes and eased outside, leaving Ozzy in the house. While I was cutting the grass, he decided it was time to try the sparkling clear water from the toilet. Since he is a small dog, he slid a stack of books up to the edge so as not to fall in. Unfortunately the lid dropped and pinned him to the rim of the john, and he got stuck.
After It returned my weedeater and lawnmower to the storage building, I went back into the house, only to hear a desperate cry from the hallway. I followed the pleas for help to the bathroom, and there was Ozzy, his head in the toilet and the lid on top of him. Suprised by his delimma, I blurted out "What are you doing"? Ozzy calmly answered, "I just came in for a drink... I didn't think I would get stuck here for HAPPY HOUR."
I had some yard work to do, so I put on my work clothes and eased outside, leaving Ozzy in the house. While I was cutting the grass, he decided it was time to try the sparkling clear water from the toilet. Since he is a small dog, he slid a stack of books up to the edge so as not to fall in. Unfortunately the lid dropped and pinned him to the rim of the john, and he got stuck.
After It returned my weedeater and lawnmower to the storage building, I went back into the house, only to hear a desperate cry from the hallway. I followed the pleas for help to the bathroom, and there was Ozzy, his head in the toilet and the lid on top of him. Suprised by his delimma, I blurted out "What are you doing"? Ozzy calmly answered, "I just came in for a drink... I didn't think I would get stuck here for HAPPY HOUR."
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